Charley's Aunt

LORD FANCOURT. How do you do. I am Charley’s aunt from Brazil, where the nuts come from.
JACK pushes LORD FANCOURT into SPETTIGUE. LORD FANCOURT makes an awkward curtsy.
SPETTIGUE. I’ve been indiscreet.
(To LORD FANCOURT.) Oh, I am sorry, very, very sorry.
CHARLEY guides AMY back to the table.
JACK. Go on, he's apologised. Ask him to lunch.
JACK takes KITTY back to the table.
LORD FANCOURT. Well, I thought you were very rude, but if you apologise, you know...
SPETTIGUE. Oh, by all means. I am sorry, I am very sorry.
LORD FANCOURT. You’ll stay to lunch, won’t you?
BRASSETT takes SPETTIGUE’S hat and stick.
SPETTIGUE. If you wish it. And I am forgiven ?
LORD FANCOURT. Forgiven.
(Taking flower from dress.) Here, accept this as a peace-offering.
SIR FRANCIS. My flower!
(Offers arm to LORD FANCOURT.)
Allow me, Donna Lucia.
SPETTIGUE. No, allow me. (Offers arm.)
LORD FANCOURT flutters eyelashes at both men, then takes SPETTIGUE’S arm. They are all seated.

Ah!
KITTY, AMY, JACK and CHARLEY together.
KITTY and AMY. Uncle!
JACK and CHARLEY. Mr. Spettigue.
All rise, except SIR FRANCIS who gets up more slowly.
SPETTIGUE. So, I was right after all, and that old fool of a woman told me they were not here.
JACK (offering hand). Oh, Mr. Spettigue—
SPETTIGUE. Don’t address me, sir!
And this is the way you take advantage of my absence!
JACK. Mr. Spettigue!
SPETTIGUE. Don’t address me, sir! I have no wish to hold any converse with you.
CHARLEY. But won’t you allow us to explain?
SPETTIGUE (pointing at JACK). My business is with this young man, sir, and not with you.
LORD FANCOURT. But you won't listen to either of them!
SPETTIGUE. Go away, madam, and don’t interfere.
LORD FANCOURT. Where did you get that hat? Take it off, sir!
JACK. You forget yourself, sir.
SIR FRANCIS. Perhaps you will remember, sir, that ladies are present.
SPETTIGUE. I disapprove of their presence and request them to return with me.
JACK. We can discuss this matter on a more fitting occasion.
LORD FANCOURT. Certainly. A most excellent suggestion. Let him call again.
SPETTIGUE. You’re a very foolish old woman, and I must beg of you not to interfere.
Ladies, come!
KITTY and AMY start to walk, but LORD FANCOURT obstructs them.
SIR FRANCIS. Sir, you cannot put such an affront upon Mr. Wykehams friends.
SPETTIGUE. I don't know them. I don’t know them.
SIR FRANCIS. Introduce me, Mr. Wykeham.
CHARLEY. Mr. Spettigue, Sir Francis Chesney.
SIR FRANCIS. Mr. Chesney is my son, sir and this lady is—
LORD FANCOURT. Pray don’t introduce him to me. I’ve been sufficiently insulted by the old boun—er—gentleman, already.
SPETTIGUE. I consult my own feelings when I say that I am deeply annoyed to find on prematurely returning from town, my niece and my Ward lunching, without my permission, with these two young gentlemen.
SIR FRANCIS. To meet Mr. Wykeham’s aunt.
SPETTIGUE. Indeed!
SIR FRANCIS. There is no “Indeed” about it, sir. I repeat, to meet Mr. Wykeham’s aunt.
SPETTIGUE. In my mind it matters little.
SIR FRANCIS. In my mind it matters everything, therefore allow me to introduce you.
Donna Lucia d’Alvadorez Mr.
What’s his confounded name, Jack?
SPETTIGUE and JACK speak together.
SPETTIGUE. Donna Lucia!
JACK. Spettigue.
SIR FRANCIS. Mr. Spettigue.
SPETTIGUE. The celebrated millionaire?
Oh, how do you do.
LORD FANCO

Jack!
My dear boy, it’s impossible
JACK. What, dad?
SIR FRANCIS. Well, look at her!
JACK. Eh?
Oh, good gracious!
BRASSETT. Luncheon is ready, sir.
CHARLEY brings KITTY and AMY to the table.
JACK (to LORD FANCOURT). Take my father, and be careful how you talk to him.
Dad, will you take Donna Lucia?
SIR FRANCIS (offering his arm). Allow me, Donna Lucia.
LORD FANCOURT. You’ll sit beside me, won't you, Sir Francis?
They all sit.
SIR FRANCIS. I shall be delighted.
You’ve travelled a great deal, I suppose?
LORD FANCOURT. Oh yes, I’ve been a great traveller, Sir Francis.
I came all the way from London only this morning.
BRASSETT is searching for the champagne.
CHARLEY (holding mayonnaise). Donna Lucia? Aunt?
Aunt!
JACK prods him.
Mayonnaise?
LORD FANCOURT. Thank you.
CHARLEY. Miss Spettigue?
AMY. Yes, please.
CHARLEY. Miss Verdun?
KITTY. Please.
LORD FANCOURT (to SIR FRANCIS). What a pretty flower!
SIR FRANCIS. Do you like it?
Will you accept it?
LORD FANCOURT. Oh, thank you. I’ll have it stuffed. (Puts flower in dress.)
CHARLEY. Jack, mayonnaise?
Open the wine, Brassett.
KITTY (to JACK). You have very pleasant rooms here, Mr. Chesney.
BRASSETT pours claret into SIR FRANCIS’S glass.
JACK. Oh yes.
AMY. Oh yes, they’re awfully nice rooms, Mr. Chesney, I’m sure. Don't you think so, Sir Francis?
SIR FRANCIS. Pleasanter today than usual, I fancy. Donna Lucia, may I have the pleasure?
Sips wine.
Jack, my boy, where did you get this stuff?
AMY. May I have a little water, please?
JACK. Open the champagne, Brassett.
BRASSETT. I, I can't find it, sir.
JACK. Can't find it? Do you know where it is, Charley?
JACK and CHARLEY begin checking room.
CHARLEY. No.
JACK. What’s become of it? I thought it was in ice.
LORD FANCOURT. What is it? What is it you want?
JACK. The champagne, Donna Lucia.
LORD FANCOURT. What, haven’t you got any? Well, I thought you’d forget something, so I brought some with me in my bag.
In my bag, Brassett.