Charley's Aunt

LORD FANCOURT. How do you do. I am Charley’s aunt from Brazil, where the nuts come from.
JACK pushes LORD FANCOURT into SPETTIGUE. LORD FANCOURT makes an awkward curtsy.
SPETTIGUE. I’ve been indiscreet.
(To LORD FANCOURT.) Oh, I am sorry, very, very sorry.
CHARLEY guides AMY back to the table.
JACK. Go on, he's apologised. Ask him to lunch.
JACK takes KITTY back to the table.
LORD FANCOURT. Well, I thought you were very rude, but if you apologise, you know...
SPETTIGUE. Oh, by all means. I am sorry, I am very sorry.
LORD FANCOURT. You’ll stay to lunch, won’t you?
BRASSETT takes SPETTIGUE’S hat and stick.
SPETTIGUE. If you wish it. And I am forgiven ?
LORD FANCOURT. Forgiven.
(Taking flower from dress.) Here, accept this as a peace-offering.
SIR FRANCIS. My flower!
(Offers arm to LORD FANCOURT.)
Allow me, Donna Lucia.
SPETTIGUE. No, allow me. (Offers arm.)
LORD FANCOURT flutters eyelashes at both men, then takes SPETTIGUE’S arm. They are all seated.

Ah!
KITTY, AMY, JACK and CHARLEY together.
KITTY and AMY. Uncle!
JACK and CHARLEY. Mr. Spettigue.
All rise, except SIR FRANCIS who gets up more slowly.
SPETTIGUE. So, I was right after all, and that old fool of a woman told me they were not here.
JACK (offering hand). Oh, Mr. Spettigue—
SPETTIGUE. Don’t address me, sir!
And this is the way you take advantage of my absence!
JACK. Mr. Spettigue!
SPETTIGUE. Don’t address me, sir! I have no wish to hold any converse with you.
CHARLEY. But won’t you allow us to explain?
SPETTIGUE (pointing at JACK). My business is with this young man, sir, and not with you.
LORD FANCOURT. But you won't listen to either of them!
SPETTIGUE. Go away, madam, and don’t interfere.
LORD FANCOURT. Where did you get that hat? Take it off, sir!
JACK. You forget yourself, sir.
SIR FRANCIS. Perhaps you will remember, sir, that ladies are present.
SPETTIGUE. I disapprove of their presence and request them to return with me.
JACK. We can discuss this matter on a more fitting occasion.
LORD FANCOURT. Certainly. A most excellent suggestion. Let him call again.
SPETTIGUE. You’re a very foolish old woman, and I must beg of you not to interfere.
Ladies, come!
KITTY and AMY start to walk, but LORD FANCOURT obstructs them.
SIR FRANCIS. Sir, you cannot put such an affront upon Mr. Wykehams friends.
SPETTIGUE. I don't know them. I don’t know them.
SIR FRANCIS. Introduce me, Mr. Wykeham.
CHARLEY. Mr. Spettigue, Sir Francis Chesney.
SIR FRANCIS. Mr. Chesney is my son, sir and this lady is—
LORD FANCOURT. Pray don’t introduce him to me. I’ve been sufficiently insulted by the old boun—er—gentleman, already.
SPETTIGUE. I consult my own feelings when I say that I am deeply annoyed to find on prematurely returning from town, my niece and my Ward lunching, without my permission, with these two young gentlemen.
SIR FRANCIS. To meet Mr. Wykeham’s aunt.
SPETTIGUE. Indeed!
SIR FRANCIS. There is no “Indeed” about it, sir. I repeat, to meet Mr. Wykeham’s aunt.
SPETTIGUE. In my mind it matters little.
SIR FRANCIS. In my mind it matters everything, therefore allow me to introduce you.
Donna Lucia d’Alvadorez Mr.
What’s his confounded name, Jack?
SPETTIGUE and JACK speak together.
SPETTIGUE. Donna Lucia!
JACK. Spettigue.
SIR FRANCIS. Mr. Spettigue.
SPETTIGUE. The celebrated millionaire?
Oh, how do you do.
LORD FANCO

Jack!
My dear boy, it’s impossible
JACK. What, dad?
SIR FRANCIS. Well, look at her!
JACK. Eh?
Oh, good gracious!
BRASSETT. Luncheon is ready, sir.
CHARLEY brings KITTY and AMY to the table.
JACK (to LORD FANCOURT). Take my father, and be careful how you talk to him.
Dad, will you take Donna Lucia?
SIR FRANCIS (offering his arm). Allow me, Donna Lucia.
LORD FANCOURT. You’ll sit beside me, won't you, Sir Francis?
They all sit.
SIR FRANCIS. I shall be delighted.
You’ve travelled a great deal, I suppose?
LORD FANCOURT. Oh yes, I’ve been a great traveller, Sir Francis.
I came all the way from London only this morning.
BRASSETT is searching for the champagne.
CHARLEY (holding mayonnaise). Donna Lucia? Aunt?
Aunt!
JACK prods him.
Mayonnaise?
LORD FANCOURT. Thank you.
CHARLEY. Miss Spettigue?
AMY. Yes, please.
CHARLEY. Miss Verdun?
KITTY. Please.
LORD FANCOURT (to SIR FRANCIS). What a pretty flower!
SIR FRANCIS. Do you like it?
Will you accept it?
LORD FANCOURT. Oh, thank you. I’ll have it stuffed. (Puts flower in dress.)
CHARLEY. Jack, mayonnaise?
Open the wine, Brassett.
KITTY (to JACK). You have very pleasant rooms here, Mr. Chesney.
BRASSETT pours claret into SIR FRANCIS’S glass.
JACK. Oh yes.
AMY. Oh yes, they’re awfully nice rooms, Mr. Chesney, I’m sure. Don't you think so, Sir Francis?
SIR FRANCIS. Pleasanter today than usual, I fancy. Donna Lucia, may I have the pleasure?
Sips wine.
Jack, my boy, where did you get this stuff?
AMY. May I have a little water, please?
JACK. Open the champagne, Brassett.
BRASSETT. I, I can't find it, sir.
JACK. Can't find it? Do you know where it is, Charley?
JACK and CHARLEY begin checking room.
CHARLEY. No.
JACK. What’s become of it? I thought it was in ice.
LORD FANCOURT. What is it? What is it you want?
JACK. The champagne, Donna Lucia.
LORD FANCOURT. What, haven’t you got any? Well, I thought you’d forget something, so I brought some with me in my bag.
In my bag, Brassett.

Look here, am I any relation to him?
JACK. No; you’re Charley’s Aunt, from Brazil.
LORD FANCOURT. Brazil! Where’s that?
JACK. You know—er—where the nuts come from.
CHARLEY and JACK hurry LORD FANCOURT to chair. CHARLEY stands in front of LORD FANCOURT to hide him from the front door.
Enter SIR FRANCIS.
Miss Verdun, my father.
SIR FRANCIS. Delighted.
JACK. Miss Spettigue, my father.
KITTY and AMY bow.
SIR FRANCIS. Charmed.
BRASSETT takes his hat and stick.
Thank you.
Now, Jack, has she come?
Exit BRASSETT, recess.
JACK. Oh yes, she’s come.
Go on, Charley, introduce your aunt.
CHARLEY. Donna Lucia d’Alvadorez, Sir Francis Chesney, Jack’s father.
SIR FRANCIS stares at LORD FANCOURT.
LORD FANCOURT. How do you do, Sir Francis?
SIR FRANCIS. How do you do?
LORD FANCOURT. I’m Charley’s aunt from Brazil. Where the nuts come from.
CHARLEY kicks LORD FANCOURT in the leg, which he holds in pain.
SIR FRANCIS. I say, Jack!
JACK. Yes?
SIR FRANCIS. Is that the lady?
JACK. Eh? Yes.
SIR FRANCIS points at flower in his buttonhole.
Yes.
SIR FRANCIS. Oh, by George! (Starts for door).
JACK. Oh, don’t go, dad!
(JACK whispers to LORD FANCOURT, who repeats.) Go on: Charley’s told you all about him.
LORD FANCOURT (to SIR FRANCIS).Charley’s told you all about him.
JACK. No, no!
LORD FANCOURT. No, no!
JACK. My nephew Charles.
LORD FANCOURT. My nephew Charles has told me so much about you
JACK. In his letters
LORD FANCOURT. In his letters. In his letters...
(To JACK.) That's all right, isn’t it?
JACK. No, it isn’t.
LORD FANCOURT. Do it yourself!
SIR FRANCIS. I’m much obliged to Mr. Wykeham, but I only met him today for the first time.
JACK. See!
(To SIR FRANCIS.) Yes, but, dad, I’ve been simply photographing you to Charley for years.
LORD FANCOURT. Oh yes, he’s a splendid photographer.
JACK (to LORD FANCOURT). Remember you've only just come to England, and you’ve never seen Charley till to-day

CHARLEY. Look at him, Jack!

LORD FANCOURT. What am I to say? What am I to do ?
CHARLEY. Stay where you are, Babbs. Tell him what you like, only get rid of him.
Exit CHARLEY, behind curtain in recess.
A louder knock at front door.
SPETTIGUE (off stage). Why doesn’t somebody answer this door?
Enter SPETTIGUE, front door.
SPETTIGUE. Why doesn’t somebody answer this door?
LORD FANCOURT. What do you want?
SPETTIGUE. I wish to see Mr. Chesney.
LORD FANCOURT (pointing with fan). Where did you get that hat?
Take if off, sir.
SPETTIGUE removes hat, steps into the room and looks to sit down.
Don’t sit down, sir! I’m not sitting down. I didn’t ask you to sit down.
SPETTIGUE. We’ll waive that for the present, madam. I wish to see Mr. Chesney at once.
LORD FANCOURT. Well, you can’t see him; he’s not present. I am the only person present.
SPETTIGUE. But the porter told me that two young ladies—my niece and my ward—were here.
LORD FANCOURT. I tell you I am the only young lady present.
SPETTIGUE. But he told me he saw them come in.
LORD FANCOURT. And didn’t he tell you he saw them go out?
SPEITIGUE. No!
LORD FANCOURT. Very well then, what more do you want?
SPETTIGUE. They’ve gone into the garden.
LORD FANCOURT. They’ve done nothing the kind.
SPETTIGUE. Then they’ve gone into the town.
LORD FANCOURT. Well, why couldn’t you think of that before?
And now, sir, having got all the information you are likely to get, in your present condition—
SPETTIGUE. Madam!
LORD FANCOURT. Disgraceful! Where have you been?
SPETTIGUE. What do you mean, madam? I am annoyed, but perfectly sober.
LORD FANCOURT. Well, you don’t look it.
Other people can be annoyed as well as yourself.
LORD FANCOURT sits and picks up a small book.
SPETTIGUE. Madam, I apologise. Good morning.
Did you see anything strike that hat?
LORD FANCOURT. I beg your pardon?
SPETTIGUE. Did you see anything strike that hat?
LORD FANCOURT (unheard by SPETTIGUE). He wants me to do it again.
Throws fan at hat when SPETTIGUE is not looking. SPETTIGUE picks up the hat.
Exit SPETTIGUE, front door.
(Calling.) Oh, my dears...
Enter KITTY, AMY, JACK and CHARLEY.
KITTY. It was sweet of you!
AMY. You darling!
Both KITTY and AMY kiss LORD FANCOUR

She has so much business to attend to—in town.
JACK. Yes, lawyers, stocks...
LORD FANCOURT. Yes, stocks and socks—
JACK punches him.
—all very important, you know.
AMY. Oh, I’m so sorry, we have so longed to know you.
LORD FANCOURT. Have you, my dear? (Takes AMY’S hand.)
AMY. Mr. Wykeham has told us so much about you, that he has made us quite love you.
LORD FANCOURT (slipping his arm around AMY). Has he, my dear?
CHARLEY and JACK pull his arm away, but after a battle LORD FANCOURT sneaks a cuddle with AMY.
AMY. And he's so grateful; he says he owes everything to you and never could repay you, and oh, he is such a good, frank, upright man—it was noble of you!
LORD FANCOURT. Of course, my dear. It was only my duty to see after the welfare of my poor brother’s—
JACK (to LORD FANCOURT). Sister’s, you fool!
LORD FANCOURT. Sister’s, you fool!—
Sister’s.
And brother-in-law's orphan girl.
JACK. Boy Boy!
LORD FANCOURT. Boy—boy!
(To JACK.) I'll say twins in a minute.
Exit BRASSETT, front door after laying the table.
AMY. Yes, but it was so good of you to find out; you were so far away in a foreign land, and he might have been left to starve, or to fall into cruel hands. But you have a good, kind, affectionate nature—
LORD FANCOURT. Have I, my dear?
AMY. Anyone can see it in your face.
LORD FANCOURT. No!
AMY. I feel I could tell my whole heart to you!
JACK. Don’t let her.
LORD FANCOURT. I’m not going to. The dear little thing!
AMY. You don’t mind my talking to you like this, do you?
LORD FANCOURT. My dear, you are a very charming little girl, of whom I am sure I could soon grow very fond—
Waves at CHARLEY, who waves a fist back at him.
And you must tell me all you like, some day, when you know better.
(To JACK.) How the devil is that?
AMY. Oh, I feel I’ve known you years and years already.
AMY kisses LORD FANCOURT and then she and KITTY look out of the window. Once her back is turned, Charley and Jack fly at LORD FANCOURT and punch him vigorously for while. Then join AMY and KITTY at the window.
LORD FANCOURT. They’re jealous! I’m very sorry, but it was very nice.
Enter BRASSETT, front door.
BRASSETT. Mr. Chesney! Mr. Chesney!
I beg pardon, sir, but I heard Mr. Spettigue enquiring at the gate for your rooms, sir.
KITTY, AMY and CHARLEY together.
KITTY and AMY. Oh dear, my uncle back!
CHARLEY. Mr. Spettigue!
JACK. Mr. Spettigue back! I thought he was in London.
(BRASSETT draws curtains on recess.)
KITTY. Mr. Chesney, I beg of you to send him away.
Knock at fron

MY. You look worried, Mr. Wykeham. Are you ill?
CHARLEY. No; I’m anxious, I’m—
JACK. He’s a little affected at meeting his aunt today, for the first time.
(Prods LORD FANCOURT and whispers.) Why the dickens don’t you say something?
LORD FANCOURT. What the dickens am I to say?
JACK. Talk about the weather.
LORD FANCOURT (to KITTY and AMY). Charming Weather.
KITTY and AMY answer in unison.
KITTY.Oh, yes, delightful!
AMY. Oh, yes, it is charming!
BRASSETT. Well, College gents’ll do anything!
Exit BRASSETT, front door.
LORD FANCOURT(to JACK). You know, you’re placing me in a terribly false position.
AMY (to LORD FANCOURT). May I arrange these for you, Donna Lucia?
LORD FANCOURT gives AMY the flowers.
After all, you know, we have some nice weather sometimes in poor old England.
LORD FANCOURT. What on earth does she mean by that?
JACK. Why, you’re a foreigner.
LORD FANCOURT. A foreigner! What did you say my name was?
JACK. Donna Lucia d’A1vadorez.
LORD FANCOURT. What am I? Irish?
CHARLEY. No, English. Married a Portuguese abroad.
JACK. A widow.
CHARLEY. From Brazil.
JACK. And a millionaire.
LORD FANCOURT. I say, Charley, have I any children?
CHARLEY. No, you fool!
CHARLEY kicks LORD FANCOURT in the shin.
Enter BRASSETT, front door with tray. He begins setting out lunch. KITTY and AMY help.
LORD FANCOURT. Well, one ought to know. That’s all right. Now I can go ahead.
Yes, it is wonderful weather, for England.
KITTY and AMY, speaking together.
KITTY. Yes, it is.
AMY. Yes.
LORD FANCOURT. Shall I take them to see the chapel and the cloisters.
JACK. No. You leave that to me and Charley. We’ll attend to them.
KITTY. Of course, Oxford is all very new to you, Donna Lucia, but it’s a dear old place in any weather. Amy and I will show you all about.
LORD FANCOURT. I shall be delighted.
KITTY. You’re staying till tomorrow, are you not?
LORD FANCOURT. Am I staying until tomorrow?
JACK. No.
LORD FANCOURT. No.
KITTY. Oh.
AMY. Oh, but you will, you must!
Mustn’t she, Kitty?
CHARLEY. I’m afraid auntie can’t stay after today.
LORD FANCOURT

JACK. Who'd sit and stare like an owl.
CHARLEY (looking through window). Here they are! They’re coming!
JACK. What on earth are we to do?
LORD FANCOURT (off-stage).I say, Jack, come and look at me!
JACK. What the deuce is it?
Looks through bedroom door.
By George! Splendid!
Charley, come here quickly!
Do you know what a pious fraud is?
CHARLEY. Pious fraud?
JACK. First cousin to a miracle! Look!
CHARLEY (looking into bedroom). What is it?
JACK. Babbs—your aunt!
CHARLEY. Babbs! My aunt!
JACK. It's the only one you’ve got, so you’ll have to make the best of her.
LORD FANCOURT. I say, look here...
Enter LORD FANCOURT, dressed as an old lady.
How’s this?
JACK. Splendid!
Knock at front door.
LORD FANCOURT. Who’s that?
JACK. The girls!
LORD FANCOURT. The girls?
JACK. Charley’s aunt can't come.
LORD FANCOURT. Can’t she? I'll go and take these things off.
JACK. No! They won’t stop if you do.
LORD FANCOURT. Won't stop! What do you mean?
JACK. You must be Charley’s aunt!
LORD FANCOURT. Me? No!!!
CHARLEY and JACK force LORD FANCOURT to chair who struggles until silenced by a kick to the leg. CHARLEY stands in front of LORD FANCOURT to hide him from the front door.
JACK. Show them in, Brassett.
Enter KITTY and AMY, front door. LORD FANCOURT tries to peek past CHARLEY, who hits him in the nose.
Ah, you’ve got back. So glad!
Exit BRASSETT, bedroom.
KITTY. Yes; we’ve been longer than we intended, but Amy wanted to get some flowers for Charley’s aunt. Has she come?
AMY. Yes. Has she? I hope she's come?
JACK. Oh yes, she’s come.
CHARLEY moves to reveal LORD FANCOURT.
(To LORD FANCOURT.) Donna Lucia, Miss Spettigue, Miss Verdun.
(To KITTY and AMY.) Donna Lucia d’A1vadorez, Charley's aunt.
JACK (whispers to LORD FANCOURT). Go on, say something!
LORD FANCOURT. How do you do, my dears?
KITTY. We called upon you before, Donna Lucia, but you hadn’t arrived.
AMY. And we’ve brought you these.
LORD FANCOURT. Oh, thank you!
KITTY. I hope your journey from town hasn’t tired you.
LORD FANCOURT. Oh no! It was very jolly.
JACK prods him.
Pleasant, I mean.
(To JACK, holding flowers.) What the deuce am I to do with

She’s not coming!
JACK. But she must! Go—wire—telegraph—
CHARLEY. No use. There’s no time.
JACK. But hang it! The girls won’t remain without a chaperone. What are we to do?