The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond

Typically, even though the partner tries to explain to her mate what bothers her, the abuse continues. Appeals to the abuser’s compassion are fruitless, because the abuser is not empathetic. As Alice Miller points out, a sympathetic and understanding witness to a child’s suffering is a crucial prerequisite to empathy in adulthood. Without empathy, the abuser cannot be sensitive to his partner’s anguish.

All appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless if this crucial prerequisite of sympathy and understanding is missing.

The absence or presence of a helping witness in childhood determines whether a mistreated child will become a despot who turns his repressed feelings of helplessness against others or an artist who can tell about his or her suffering.

The partner suffered many wrongs to her spirit. And, she did not know the meaning of her pain. However, because she remained aware of her feelings, she was connected to the spirit of life at her center — the source of her Personal Power. Eventually, it was the power of her feelings and the knowledge of her spirit which enabled her to recognize the abuse and, in so doing, gain Reality II self-esteem.

Clearly, when there is no witness to one’s experience and no validation of one’s reality, one must rely solely upon one’s own feelings and judgment. This is difficult for anyone. It is doubly difficult for the partner because the abuse itself diminishes her ability to trust her own feelings and her own judgment. Her feelings and judgment are constantly condemned by the abuse.

We know that verbal abuse occurs to some extent in all but the most ideal of childhoods, leaving most with some uncertainty — some self-doubt. This self-doubt is greatly increased in an abusive relationship.

The victim of abuse is taught to believe that although she is hurting, she shouldn’t be, or that she is in some way responsible. From childhood, she is conditioned not to understand her feelings and so not to recognize the truth. This truth is that she is being abused and blamed for the abuse (as if it could be justified) and for feeling bad about it (as if her feelings were wrong).

I realized that he put down what I did best because that’s what he was jealous of. Anyway, I had ended up not knowing what I did best, and so it turns out that what I did worst was what I thought I did best and what I did best was what I thought I did worst. So after a while I didn’t think I could do anything.”

trying to understand was overriding everything else in my life.

“Right then I didn’t feel anything. I guess what they call shock is what happened. If it was shock, it was familiar shock. I went kind of numb, and the birds stopped singing or I didn’t hear them. I don’t know. And later I felt all stirred up inside somewhere between my heart and my stomach.