The Art of Communicating, Thich Nhat Hanh
Thich Nhat Hanh

The Art of Communicating

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Mark Ong
Mark Onghas quoted2 years ago
Our wounded child is not only us; he or she may represent several generations of ancestors. Our parents and ancestors may have suffered all their lives without knowing how to look after the wounded child in themselves, so they transmitted that child to us. So when we’re embracing the wounded child inside us, we’re embracing all the wounded children of past generations. This practice doesn’t just benefit us; it liberates numberless generations of ancestors and descendants. This practice can break the cycle.
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
One person looking at the roots of our suffering is good, two people looking is better, and two people looking together is best.
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
note are two tools to help us heal anger and hurt in our relationships. The peace treaty can be used as a preventive tool, before we utter or are hurt by words or actions that seem unkind. When we sign the peace treaty, we are making peace not just with the other person but within ourselves.
The peace note can be used as a healing tool when we’re hurt or angry because of something someone has said or done. You can copy it and keep blank copies available wherever you need it. You can use it in place of the fourth mantra note that you keep in your wallet.
If someone does something that brings us suffering, we can say, “What you just said hurt me. I would like to look deeply into it, and I would like you to also look deeply into it. Let’s make an appointment for sometime later in the week to look at it together.”
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
What you just said hurt me. I
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
Words can travel thousands of miles.
May my words create mutual understanding and love.
May they be as beautiful as gems,
as lovely as flowers.
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“I know you’ve suffered a lot during the past many years. I’m sorry. I know I’ve acted and spoken in a way that didn’t help. I didn’t mean to make you suffer.”
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
help me understand, who will?”
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
also made me suffer more. I wasn’t able to help you resolve the problem. I reacted angrily in a way that has made the situation worse.”
“It’s not my intention to make you suffer. It’s because I didn’t understand your suffering, and I didn’t understand my suffering either.”
“I understand my difficult feelings better now, and I also want to understand yours. Understanding your suffering, your difficulties, will help me behave in a way that can be more helpful.”
“If you care for me, help me understand.”
“Tell me what is in your heart. I want to listen; I want to understand. Tell me about your suffering and your difficulties. If you don’t
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“I know you’re not feeling too happy right now.”
“In the past I didn’t understand your feelings, so I reacted in a way that made you suffer more, and that
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“I know you suffer; that’s why I’m here for you”—by asking him, “Was it something I said? I really want to understand what happened. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to say or do things that are hurtful. If you let me know, I can understand how the things I say af
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“You are only seeing part of me, not the totality. I have other things in me that are much better.”
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“You have said something that’s only partly correct, because I have many weaknesses that you perhaps haven’t seen yet.”
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“You have said something that is partly correct. But in me there are also positive things.”
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“Darling, you are only partly right, because I also have good things in me.”
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
and ignore the fact that in me there are also challenges. When you criticize me, I shouldn’t get lost in that and ignore the positive things.
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“You are partly right.”
I have weaknesses in me, and I have strengths in me. If you praise me, I shouldn’t get too puffed up
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
it. Maybe you didn’t want to do it. I’m now doing my best to practice looking deeply, to recognize my anger and embrace it tenderly.”
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“I am doing my best.” It means, “I am practicing mindfulness, and when I get angry I won’t say anything that can cause damage to myself or to you. I am practicing mindful breathing, mindful walking, and looking deeply into my suffering to find the roots of my suffering. I believe that you have caused my suffering, but I know I shouldn’t be too sure about that. I’m looking to see whether my suffering has come from a wrong perception on my part. Maybe you didn’t mean to say
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
try to comfort you and say, “Are you suffering?” When someone asks you this, you might have the tendency to respond, “Suffer? Why should I be suffering?” You know that’s not the truth. You suffer deeply, yet you pretend you don’t suffer. You’re being untruthful as a way of punishing the other person. If he or she tries to come close and put a hand on your shoulder, you may want to snap, “Leave me alone. I can survive very well without you.” Many of us commit that kind of mistake. But we can learn.
Practicing the mantra, you do the opposite. You have to recognize that you suffer. The mantra can also be a little longer, if that feels more appropriate to the situation: “I suffer. I want you to know it. I don’t understand why you did or said what you did. So please explain. I need your help.” That is true love. To say, “I don’t suffer; I don’t need your help” is not the language of true love.
marias0909
marias0909has quotedlast year
“I have to speak according to the mind of the person who listens and the ability of that person to receive what I share.”
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