Check & Mate

“What?” She shrugs from the door. “I thought we now just sprinkled the word generously in conversation. For seasoning.”

“Taken care of, as of right now. As of a while. And yet, you continue to use them as an excuse to do absolutely nothing with your life, with your talent, with this thing between us— ”

tracks my movements with a small smile whenever I step away from the chessboard to grab a glass of water.

I will not stoop to counting the days

really enjoy playing this crap? she asked me when we got paired

I’m sorry

I didn’t mean

I lied when

“Clearly.”

“No. No, I . . .” I cover my eyes with my hands. I’m a mess. I’m making a mess. “I didn’t mean to . . . For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re an asshole. Or manipulative. Or selfish. Or . . .” Unloved. “Or most of the other things I called you in New York, really. Or maybe you are, a bit, but no more than any other chess player in the entire universe. No more than me.” I try to take a deep breath, and the air almost chokes past the ache in my lungs. “I really didn’t think any of the things I said. And when I called you ‘crazy’ . . . I’m really ashamed of that. I was . . .”

I don’t know what I was. But Nolan does. “Angry. Tired. Hurting, and wanting to make me hurt just as much. Scared out of your mind.”

I close my eyes. “Absolutely fucking terrified.”

He nods. Still not looking at me. “I never wanted to manipulate you, but . . . you can pay me back for the fellowship, if it’ll make you feel better. That way you won’t owe me anything, and you’ll be free of me.”

My stomach sinks.

“Well, then.” His arms close around me. His lips speak into my hair. His chest rises and falls against my ear, and I know it in my gut, like I know chess, that this is where I’m meant to be. “It will be fun when we prove them wrong.”

And I forgot to say one thing that was. Which is that I was happy with you. The days we had in New York were . . .”

He seems vaguely amused at my inability to articulate my emotions. “Good?”

“Yeah. Very. And I’d like to have more. A lot more. Starting . . . now, if possible. Even though . . .” I look around and let out a choked laugh. “This is really poor timing on my part.”

He smiles. “I don’t know if I agree.”

“Why?”

He gestures to the board with his head. “We are about to spend a lot of time together.”

But this one is unlike any other championship.”

“Why is that?”

I look at him looking at me, and overflow with something I cannot put a name to. “Because when I’m with you, Mallory, everything is different. When I’m with you, I want to play more than I want to win.”

Because even if I can’t forget the bad, I want us to still remember the good.”