Quotes from “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski

Kristina Mustafina
Kristina Mustafinahas quoted8 months ago
At the end of one semester, I asked my 187 students to write down one really important thing they learned in my class. Here’s a small sample of what they wrote:
I am normal!
I AM NORMAL
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
(this is the part from the Iggy Pop study), the amygdala, and the brain stem parabrachial nucleus, among others.
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
, the organs involved in these systems are the ventral pallidum, the nucleus accumbens body and shell
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
Mood changes your perception of taste, too: feeling sad, as you do at the end of a weepy movie, reduces your ability to taste fat in food.8
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
It’s the same sensation, but because the context is different, your perception of that sensation is different.
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
Context is made of two things: the circumstances of the present moment—whom you’re with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, etc.—and your brain state in the present moment—whether you’re relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, right now, in this moment. The evidence is mounting that women’s sexual response is more sensitive than men’s to context, including mood and relationship factors, and women vary more from each other in how much such factors influence their sexual response.6
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
Love/Emotional Bonding Cues, such as feeling a sense of love, security, commitment, emotional closeness, protection, and support in your relationship, and feeling a kind of “special attention” from your partner.
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
put it in terms of the garden metaphor I used in chapter 1, your SIS and SES are characteristics of the so
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
In the same way, girls learn what’s sexually relevant not because their genitals do something so obvious and new that they can’t help learning from it, but rather by paying attention to their environment, especially to the other person there with them in the sexually relevant situation.
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
Similarly, you learn the sexual language you’re surrounded by. Just as there are no innate words, there appear to be almost no innate sexual stimuli. What turns us on (or off) is learned from culture, in much the same way children learn vocabulary and accents from cultur
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
Where the foot brake is associated with “fear of performance consequences,” the hand brake is associated with “fear of performance failure,” like worry about not having an orgasm.
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
So the dual control model of sexual response, as the name implies, consists of two parts:

Sexual Excitation System (SES)
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
Sexual Inhibition System (SIS).
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
retract into the breasts. She may experience “sex flush,” a concentration of color over the chest. By now her inner labia have doubled in size from their resting state. The internal structures of the clitoris lift, drawing the external portion up and inward, so that it retracts from the surface of the body. The vagina itself “tents” around the cervix, open and wide deep inside the body. She experiences the involuntary muscle contraction known as myotonia, including carpopedal spasms (contraction of muscles in the hands and feet). She may begin to pant or hold her breath, as the thoracic and pelvic diaphragms contract in unison.

Orgasm. All the sphincters of her pelvic diaphragm (the “Kegel” muscle) contract in unison—urethra, vagina, and anus. She experiences rapid breathing, rapid heartbeat, and increased blood pressure. Her pelvis may rock, various muscle groups may tighten involuntarily. She experiences the
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
Excitement. As stimulation begins, her heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration rate increase, and her labia minora and the clitoris darken and swell, separating the outer labia. The walls of the vagina begin to lubricate and then lengthen. Her breasts swell and the nipples become erect. Late in excitement, she may begin to sweat.

Plateau. Lubrication begins at the mouth of the vagina, from the Bartholin’s glands. Her breasts continue to swell, so much that the nipples seem to
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
like to use a different metaphor: a garden. It’s a metaphor I use a lot—remember the apple tree from the introduction?—because it offers a judgment-free way of thinking about how the sexual hardware we’re born with (our bodies and brains) and the families and culture we’re born into, interact to give rise to the individual sexual self that emerges in adulthood.
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
The notion of “all the same parts, organized in different ways” is as true for the ways a woman’s body changes over the course of her life as it is for the ways people’s genitals vary. And just as everyone’s genitals are normal and beautiful, so all women’s bodies are normal and beautiful.

But mostly that’s not what women are taught.
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
If we embrace this simple, profound idea—all the same parts, organized in different ways—it answers that ever-popular question: Are men’s and women’s sexualities the same, or are they different?

Answer: Yes.

They’re made of the same parts, organized differently.
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
why it matters
Why might the seemingly simple fact that all human genitals are made of the same parts, organized in different ways be the most important thing you’ll ever learn about human sexuality?
Shasha Setiyadi
Shasha Setiyadihas quoted3 months ago
We’re all made of the same parts, just organized in different ways.
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