Things My Son Needs to Know About the World

Wait, where are you going now? We’re going to bed! No, don’t grab the toy cars now, because Dad will cry. “Have kids,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. Yeah, fun like trying to calm down a flock of panic-stricken antelopes using a stroboscope. Why do children hate sleeping? Why? Do you know I read in a magazine that children stay awake with the parent they like most, in order to keep them in the room for as long as possible? I would have gone to the office of that magazine and punched the writer of that article straight in the face if I wasn’t so EXHAUSTED, all right?

We need to start over. And just to avoid misunderstandings, I’ll just say it like it is. Okay?
Okay.
I had sex with your mother.
You’re gonna need a few years to process this.
I’m sorry. I really should have just told you about storks.

I know that in a year or two, you’ll learn how to talk, and after that you’ll pretty quickly enter that phase where, regardless of what I say, you’ll always ask “Why?” Well, I can help you out right now by telling you that in 95 percent of the cases, the answer to “Why?” will be “Because people are really bloody stupid.”

And that’s why we have wars.
Because people are really bloody stupid.

So: I will never tell you whether you should be religious or not. Or even if you should believe in God. That’s a thing between God and you, or not. As long as you are kind to your mother and don’t murder or steal or start supporting Manchester City or any other horrible thing like that, I genuinely don’t care whether your moral compass is shaped by an old book or a box of jam doughnuts. But if I’m going to try to explain to you how I feel the world works here, it would be more than a bit odd to leave out the topic of religion.

People used to shout, “Stand up like a real man,” in every possible context when I was a teenager. It took me a good few years into my twenties to realize that real men can also stay seated, shut up, and listen. And admit when they’re wrong. So don’t make the same mistakes I did. Never go to a game of anything and shout, “You’re playing like a woman!” at an athlete, as though that word were the definition of weakness. One day, you’ll be holding a woman’s hand as she gives birth and then that’ll make you feel more ashamed than you’ve ever felt about anything. Words matter. Be better

Because we didn’t inherit the Earth from our parents, we’re borrowing it from our children and all that crap. We believe in that crap!

we go to baby swim lessons and buy breathable, practical clothing in gender-neutral colors

You get it? That’s what it’s like all the time once you’ve reproduced. Your entire life revolves around the logistics of poop.

All the girlfriends or boyfriends you’ll never want to bring home for dinner.