Attached

Does this mean that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up other aspects of our life such as our careers or friends? Paradoxically, the opposite is true! It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on—and this is the “dependency paradox.” The logic of this paradox is hard to follow at first. How can we act more independent by being thoroughly dependent on someone else? If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in a single sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel down it with them. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory.

Your attachment needs are legitimate.
• You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup.
• A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call!
• And above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else.

In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.

love alone isn’t enough to make the relationship work

Insecure Conflict Strategies to Avoid

1. Getting sidetracked from the real problem.
2. Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and needs.
3. Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness.
4. Reacting “tit for tat” to a partner’s negativity with more negativity.
5. Withdrawing.
6. Forgetting to focus on the other’s well-being.

If you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you automatically respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of negativity.

It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And of course, there is a better chance the issue will be resolved if it is discussed rather than ignored.

People with an avoidant attachment style are also threatened by the possibility that their mate won’t really be there for them when needed. However, to deal with these beliefs, they adopt the opposite approach—they suppress their need for intimacy by shutting down emotionally and adopting a defensive air of independence. The more personal the conflict becomes, the stronger their urge grows to distance themselves from the situation. To do this they use deactivating strategies—such as finding fault with their partner—

We get a boost of oxytocin in our brain during orgasm and even when we cuddle—which is why it’s been tagged the “cuddle hormone.”