My Roommate is a Vampire

"Good cop bad cop?" I suggested.
"First off, that never works. It's gotta be bad cop, bad cop. Except instead of cops, we're emotionally unstable, psychopathic, lesbian supernatural demons with homicidal tendencies and a penchant for cold-blooded torture," Vinyl laughed evilly.
"Vinyl, that sounds absolutely horrendous."

Cool Mares Don't Look at Explosions

Boos and cheers erupted in the small donut shop. One side of the room struck a pose, throwing their heads back and howling.
"AWOOOO! Score one for Team Lycan!"
"Aw screw you guys, Team Vampire all the way!"
A solitary voice in the back of the shop cried, "Whoo, Team Fairy! Yaaaaay."
"Shut up, no one cares about fairies!" somepony on the vampire side shouted.
A sniff. "You guys suck. Oh, wait, you guys do suck! Hah!"

"'Cause you like it doggy style."

"Do you guys have a secret underground cave where you hold all your meetings?" I asked excitedly.
Luna frowned. "No, we just meet at the local donut shop."

"Everybody loves lesbian vampires."

"Okay let's be lesbians."
"K."

On the back of the photograph were two words that made our hearts stop:
"We know."

"Never!" I gasped, scandalized. "My parents would never let me do that!"
She put her hoof down, determined, flipping on her shades. "It's time to pop your cherry, Octy."
"Did you see how big it was?" Vinyl gushed.
"It was huge!" I giggled.
"So long and thick!"
"And creamy," I shuddered. "It got all over my face!"
"Oh, I know, I had to lick it off you. It was so sticky too!"
"I can't believe you swallowed that entire thing down your throat! I didn't think I could take it all in!"
Passing ponies walking on the sidewalk stared at us, their minds working to put two and two together. Mothers covered their foals' virgin ears.

Ow. I'm awake again. Her horn is poking my eye. Ow, ow. I hadn't expected my first time sleeping with a unicorn to be so horny.