Karyl McBride

Make sure that your children’s activities involve giving to others or helping in some way. At first, they may just learn to be helpful to others, and eventually they can perform work in the community. Giving back teaches that other people are important.

Don’t define them by what they do (my son the soccer player, my daughter the ballet dancer). If you allow your children’s self-esteem to be centered on their accomplishments, you are setting up another generation of achievement-dependent narcissists who have to be “stars” to feel good about themselves.

Give them credit where credit is due whenever they realize their goals or visions. Let them know that you are very proud of what they have done and that you will also love them just as much if they do not become CEOs or star basketball players.

Don’t pass the image focus on to your kids. They can be appropriate and real as well as assertive and respectful of others and their boundaries. It is okay to be who you are even if some people prefer something else. Not everyone has to like you or your children.

I recently observed a mother tell her crying child, “We don’t cry. People don’t like sad children.” The child quickly clammed up. It was obvious that this was a familiar message to her. The danger in doing this with children is that it teaches them to deny their feelings, sacrifice their true selves, and adopt an “image” that is acceptable to the parent. Guard against this in your communications with your children. If you pressure them to put on a facade, you leave them no choice but to believe that their true selves are unacceptable.

It is not your children’s job to meet your needs. It is your job to meet theirs.

Let him know in the very beginning that your trust was impaired in early childhood and that trust is a lifelong recovery issue for you. Continue to work on trust issues without projecting them onto him.

If he is ever misguided and tells you that you are acting “just like your mother,” gently tell him never to say that again.

If one friend is always the giver and one friend is always the taker, the relationship is either dependent or codependent.

Setting boundaries when hurtful things are said to you is important as well. To maintain an authentic friendship, you have to be able to respond to an offensive statement or action with, “That was hurtful to me.”