Ali Wong

My dad would sometimes say things to my mom like, “Devil, get away, for I am God’s property!” And at my age, I still cannot find anyone, besides my siblings, who can relate to having a dad who would clap back at his wife like a crazy gold miner from the 1800s. In his defense, it’s a bulletproof line to use in a fight. What is the comeback to that?

Some women want to maintain mystique by making sure that the husband doesn’t look beyond the curtain. Well, your daddy looked anyway. He saw my spleen, my intestines, and all the other guts down there that I’m not educated enough to identify. And I’m glad he saw them. Because now he knows that he owes me forever. Also, it’s very hard to divorce somebody once you know what their spleen looks like. It doesn’t get much more intimate than that.