Roman Krznaric

The way that St. Valentine has been converted from a herald of charitable Christian love into a symbol of romantic passion raises the larger question of how our attitudes towards love have changed over the centuries

‘All friendly feelings for others,’ he wrote, ‘are extensions of a man’s feelings for himself.’ The message was that when you like yourself and feel secure in yourself, then you will have plenty of love to give.

There is a danger, claim some psychologists, that we may seek to maximise the quality of our romantic purchases rather than accept imperfections, and end up treating our partners almost like material possessions that we can discard at will.

The overall result is that we have become excessively focused on gaining individual satisfaction – gratifying our own desires – rather than on giving love to another person

we ought to acknowledge that we may only be fulfilled in love if we can nurture it in a multitude of ways and tap into its many sources. So we should foster our philia through having profound friendships outside our main relationship, and make space for our lover to do the same without resenting the time they spend apart from us. We can seek the joys of ludus not just in sex but in other forms of play, from tango dancing and performing in amateur theatre to laughing with children around the family dining table. And we must recognise that being drawn too far into self-love, or limiting our love to only a small circle of people, will not be enough to meet our inner need to feel part of a larger whole. So we should all make a place for agape in our lives, and transform love into a gift for strangers. That is how we can reach a point where our lives feel abundant with love.

Less well known is that a ‘husband’ was originally a man whose work, like a housewife’s, took place in and around the home. This is revealed in its linguistic roots: ‘hus’ is the old spelling of ‘house’ and ‘band’ refers to the house to which he was bonded – that he leased or owned.

The practice of the man going off to work outside the home did not become widespread until the arrival of factories in the nineteenth century, which might explain why the word ‘housework’ did not emerge until then – all work had, to that point, been housework. And most husbands had been househusbands

While television has potential to stimulate the mind and emotions, it is essentially a passive medium which draws us away from human interaction, whereas conversation is in essence an active form of engagement with others.

George Bernard Shaw understood the difference when he remarked, ‘Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you – they may have different tastes.’

Conversation is one of the most effective ways to access the thoughts, experiences and wisdom that lie hidden inside other people’s heads. It enables us to discover the extraordinary diversity of humankind, and to gain an empathic understanding of how others view themselves and the world.