Ramani Durvasula

This carries a tremendous toll for the giver, who will often give of themselves to the point of exhaustion, physical health problems, loss of friends and family, and even their own sense of self. Many will recall turning into someone who they no longer recognize in order to cater to the endless needs of their partner—on a grail quest to feel like they are “enough.”

you learn you can’t change or avoid something, you put up with it, even when the time comes that you can get away from it.

Learned helplessness can place a person at risk for apathy and depression and the belief that nothing she does will ever make things better.

Depression is a complex disorder, but the hallmark symptoms of depression—sad mood, lack of pleasure in activities that are typically pleasurable, feelings of worthlessness and guilt, social withdrawal, poor concentration, changes in sleep and appetite—are all patterns observed in people who are in relationships with narcissistic partners.

“anhedonia,” or the inability to derive pleasure from activities that typically give you pleasure.

Lying is the “tell” of shame; if it was not shameful, you would tell the truth.

When the shame leads to social withdrawal, it isolates you and leaves you more vulnerable to the emptiness of the narcissistic relationship.

Be mindful and catch yourself. Take a moment and reflect on the situation at hand; before you make an excuse, think about why this happened.

Many times you are clear as day about the right thing to do but realize that your narcissistic partner may not be on board, so you may want to add a third column to your pros and cons list—and that may be labeled “fears.” Fear of how your partner will react, or how he may undermine your decision. By remaining aware of your fear, you may be able to recognize how you are blocking your own decision-making powers.

Overall, the narcissist’s emptiness, lack of empathy, and general lack of warmth can mean that even the slightest foible, oversight, or mistake raises fear in you, anger in them, and they are rarely able to see the big picture.