Alexis Hall

This is why I like Laurie so much—he has absolutely no culture.

Point is, my dad’s a dick who treated my mum like shit, and now he’s doing this big comeback where everyone’s acting like it’s okay, and it’s not okay, and it fucks me off.”

just sort of aware that anything you wanted to know about me you could Google.”

“Would it be the truth, though?”

I cringed. “Some of it. And not only the good stuff.”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my line of work, it’s that ‘some of the truth’ is the most misleading thing you can hear. Anything I want to know about you, I’ll ask.”

You need to go back to being the sort of harmless sodomite that Waitrose shoppers can feel good about introducing to their left-wing friends

and I believe Bridget said you work with dung beetles.”
“I work for dung beetles.” Okay, that didn’t sound much better.

Leaving me to scrape the bottom of the barrel of my GCSE French, for which I’d received a D. “Um…um… Je voudrais aller au cinema avec mes amis? Ou est la salle de bain?”

“Normally I’d agree, but Oliver was good for me, and I don’t want to throw that away.”

“Then don’t.”

I blinked a few annoyingly persistent tears from my eyes. “Okay, now you’ve gone from chill to unhelpful.”

“I don’t mean to be. But you had a boyfriend, and he made you happy for a while, and now it is over. And if we let happy things make us unhappy when they stopped, there would be no point having happy things.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking about moving to America and running for public office.”

“Hi,” I said, trying not to dig a hole in the grass and wriggle into it like an endangered dung beetle.

“You’re trying to be emotionally supportive,” she said. “I’m trying to be useful.”

“Emotional support is useful, you Technicolour reprobate.”