The confusion of the historical record continues, but a few facts are clear. Abelard, impotent, left Paris, where overnight he’d become an object of pity, to become a monk at the Abbaye de Saint-Denis (now the Basilica of Saint-Denis), in northern Paris.
Héloise, fully aware of her hypocrisy, professed her religious vows in the convent that had been her childhood home. She was no nun. Always her heart and soul would belong to Abelard. “It was your command, not love of God, that made me take the veil.”
Fifteen years later, she came across a letter written by Abelard to a friend in which he recounts the joys and torments of his life. The letter of twenty thousand words—Historia Calamitatum Mearum (The Story of My Misfortunes)—is often referred to as Abelard’s autobiography or Confession. He writes about his passion for Héloise, the details of their lovemaking, the birth, the marriage, his castration, and their separation, Abelard retreating to the Saint-Denis cloister where he repented his sins of lust, Héloise to a convent where she, too, according to Abelard, had found comfort in religion. The passionate girl of the Quai aux Fleurs was now the abbess of her convent, highly respected by bishops.
Héloise’s response, in her first letter to Abelard since their separation, sets him straight. For her, nothing has changed since their ecstatic nights and days in Paris. She is possessed not by religion but by anguish and longing for him:
God is my witness that if Augustus, emperor of the whole world, thought fit to honor me with marriage and conferred all the earth on me forever it would be sweeter and more honorable to me to be not his empress but your whore.
In her next letter, the Abbess Héloise repeats that her sexual self is still her most essential self:
Even at Mass,… lewd visions of the pleasures we shared take such a hold upon my unhappy soul that my thoughts are on their wantonness instead of on my prayers. Everything we did, and also the times and places, are stamped on my heart along with your image … I live through it all again with you.