The Best of Reform Judaism Magazine: Death and Mourning

What is often lost in this confrontation with human finitude is that the central character of this drama is our loved one, not us.

They can write an ethical will, a final personal message or document that spells out a person’s thoughts, memories, values, advice, life lessons, and perhaps hopes for the future. Another approach is writing a letter to each child, concentrating on what you admire about him/her, the accomplishments you’re proud of. Recall a story that makes you feel warm and connected to your child. Children of any age need to be reminded that their parents notice them in loving ways. Even if you’ve been habitually critical or judgmental, use this opportunity to express unconditional approval. Make this letter an act of love.

And so, even though we can no longer have an actual relationship with the people we have lost, we can have a dynamic and changing relationship through our memory of them. In this way, our memories of our loved ones literally keep them alive.