James Acaster’s Classic Scrapes

I sincerely hope there is no second book; I just want to have a nice life. Please, God.

I left out my theories about what I thought the man had said to me for fear of sounding ridiculous but once I’d finished the story, Josie thought about it, nodded and said, ‘He probably said, “You and me should bang this dog.”’ It was nice to feel understood again.

(I had consumed a whole wheel of custard brioche because I felt so scared of the Basingstoke hoodlums and when I feel scared I eat sweet things to make me feel safe)