By the time I got out of school, I decided to ignore my qualms and force myself out there more frequently (note to self: "force" is not a great concept when thinking about sex). I'd bring condoms on first dates; I'd do my best at the end of an evening to score a one-night stand. I wanted to stack up those "I Never" tales, too. While this was supposed to be cool—I assumed it was what all my peers were doing—I secretly felt ashamed of myself. I never talked about it with my friends. It was all just too embarrassing.
Plus, I was fat. I'd live in fear that the guy lurking down below would suddenly lift up his head and scream, "Ewwwl You're fat and disgusting! What the hell did I just touch? Is that even a body part that other people have?" Worse, maybe he would keep his disgust to himself, and then share it with all his buddies the next day. I could picture the conversation: "And then I reached down, and it was like feeling a bowl of . . . I don't know, dough or something. I nearly puked!" And so on, and so on.
Now, I've been through some awkward moments. Everyone has weird concerns about their bodies. However, to allay your fears, I have yet to hear of anyone running a Fat Girl out of bed with the words, "Ew, get out of here, you disgusting fat fat fattywad." If you step past your own insecurity and see this scenario as at all likely to happen, here is my advice: DO NOT GET IN BED WITH THIS MAN. If you can't trust him to treat you with respect, then why on earth would you sleep with him? If you can picture him running to his buddies the next day to say how gross it was, then why are you putting his penis in your mouth?
In those years, I rarely came close to experiencing the kind of pleasure that I thought was my inherent right. Maybe I was doing something wrong. Maybe I was with the wrong kind of men. Maybe I was having sex instead of making love. I hoped if I was in a committed relationship, it would be different. It's not like the average hookup fulfilled my sexual needs—a quick order from Good Vibrations and two AA batteries could take better care of that in no time. It wasn't like it was bringing me closer emotionally to anyone. If anything, it was distancing. The element of trust shut down right when the lights went out. I was trying to be a Fat Slut, but I was really, really bad at it. I'm just lucky that I came out of it safe and alive.