Parenting with Love and Logic

One reason choices work is that they create situations in which children are forced to think. Kids are given options to ponder, courses of action to choose. They must decide. Second, choices provide opportunities for children to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. With every wrong choice the children make, the punishment comes not from us but from the world around them. Then children don’t get angry at us; they get angry at themselves.
Another reason choices work is because they help us avoid getting into control battles with our children. Finally, choices provide our children with opportunities to hear that we trust their thinking abilities, thus building their self-confidence and the relationship between us and them.

Our kids have little chance to fight these statements. They’re too busy thinking about the choices they have been given and the consequences that may result from their choice

Love and Logic parents make statements with enforceable thinking words, telling their kids:
• What we will allow — “Feel free to join us for your next meal as soon as the lawn is mowed.”
• What we will do — “I’ll be glad to read you a story as soon as you’ve finished your bath.”
• What we will provide — “You may eat what is served, or you may wait and see if the next meal appeals to you more

They will fight the limits we impose when we use fighting words. Fighting words include three types of commands:
1. Telling our kids what to do — “You get to work on that lawn right now.”
2. Telling our kids what we will not allow — “You’re not going to talk to me that way!”
3. Telling our kids what we won’t do for them — “I’m not letting you out of this house until you clean the living room.”

Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?”
• “Would you rather put your boots on now or in the car?”
• “Would you rather play nicely in front of the television or be noisy in your room

FIGHTING WORDS: “Don’t you talk to me in that tone of voice!”
THINKING WORDS: “You sound upset. I’ll be glad to listen when your voice is as soft as mine is.”
Child is dawdling with her homework.
FIGHTING WORDS: “You get to work on your studying!”
THINKING WORDS: “Feel free to join us for some television when your studying is done.”
Two kids are fighting.
FIGHTING WORDS: “Be nice to each other. Quit fighting.”
THINKING WORDS: “You guys are welcome to come back as soon as you work that out.”
Child won’t do his chores.
FIGHTING WORDS: “I want that lawn cut now!”
THINKING WORDS: ‘‘I’ll take you to your soccer game as soon as the lawn is cut.”

We’re always asking questions. We’re always offering choices. We don’t tell our kids what to do, but we put the burden of decision making on their shoulders. As they grow older, we don’t tell them what the limits are; we establish limits by offering choices.

The quality of learning improves with practice, encouragement, and modeling

Parents who routinely focus on the end result rather than on the learning taking place wind up with kids who have a negative self-concept about their skills.

Tyler sees his dad sweeping the garage. He grabs a little broom and starts moving dirt around, imitating his father. Inside, Tyler is thinking, I feel big. I am learning how to use the broom. I hope Dad notices.
Dad notices all right. He notices all the spots the little tyke is missing, rather than appreciating the learning that is taking place. “Tyler!” he says, his voice dripping with disapproval. “Look at the mess you’re making! Please go play and let me finish this.”