Beyond Beliefs

I have chosen to use the term “vegans” to refer to vegetarians and vegans, and “non-vegans” to refer to vegetarians and meat eaters.

Vegetarians can be in either category because what matters most for the purposes of this book is the way a particular vegetarian identifies or experiences themselves in a relationship. For example, a vegetarian in a relationship with a meat eater will likely identify more with the vegan perspective, while a vegetarian in a relationship with a vegan may identify more with the non-vegan perspective

But because the experience of vegans and vegetarians, who make up only a small minority of the population, has received virtually no attention and is underrepresented in relationship and self-help books, vegans and vegetarians are the most likely readers of this book.

Although vegans are not supporters of the behavior of eating animals and shouldn’t expose themselves to anything that makes them feel unsafe, they can nevertheless try to understand the non-vegans in their lives so that they are able to respect the person beneath the behavior. Because eating animals (rooted in the ideology of carnism) is such a widespread practice, a social norm, it requires a different degree of psychological distancing than do those behaviors that are widely regarded as unethical. With this understanding, vegans may be able to practice a degree of allyship toward the non-vegans in their lives.

Ideally, the only time we would not commit to allyship is when being an ally means violating our integrity—when we would have to support a way of thinking or behaving that is against our core values or that causes us to feel unsafe. For example, allyship would not work between a member of a white supremacist group and his sister, who believes racism is unethical.

Beneath each person’s beliefs is a relationship between people, and it is this deeper level, the level of relationship, that holds the key to navigating differences

One of the reasons so many people in relationships get stuck in ongoing conflict is because they focus on the content rather than the process of whatever it is that’s causing disagreement. In other words, they focus on the “what,” on the subject of, for example, different beliefs or needs, rather than the “how,” the way they approach and communicate about such differences.

When we commit to developing relational resilience, we naturally shift our focus from debating our differences to deepening our connection.

In other words, at any moment we can choose to change the way we relate and improve the direction in which our relationship is heading

Its symptoms are so widespread that we think of them as normal behaviors rather than as pathological ways of relating. Imagine if everyone in the world had chronic bronchitis. We would assume that coughing and fatigue were simply a normal part of the human condition and would fail to identify and treat the illness we all carried. And when certain people started to get well, their constant exposure to other sick people would make it difficult for them to stay healthy

Resilience is the ability to withstand and bounce back from stress. In relationships, resilience is made up of two main features: security and connection. The more secure and connected a relationship is, the stronger—or more resilient—it is.