Addicted to You

“He has a plan,” Ryke retorts. “You need to trust that he loves Lily.”

He has a plan? Is this what they were talking about?

“What sort of plan?” Rose wonders. Yeah, what sort of plan. And why did no one tell me?!

“He’s going to start limiting her and gradually decrease her use of porn.”

I gape while my sister nods in approval.

“What?!” I shout. I’m more disturbed by the fact that Lo talked about our sex life with Ryke of all people. “Tell me you didn’t discuss this with Lo.” I already see the answer. The moment Ryke projected himself into my life at the library, telling me he would help Lo, I took the opportunity. I told him about Lo’s addiction. And if he gave the same offer to Lo, I know he would take it.

Ryke unabashedly meets my gaze. “He told me most of your dirty secrets.”

“Oh my God,” I mumble, looking frantically over at Rose like what do I do?

She glares at Ryke for me. “That’s personal.”

“Yeah? Well guys talk just like girls do. Maybe you should remember that before you go down on someone.”

Connor cuts in. “All right, everyone needs to cool down right now. I think people are beginning to stare. Come on, Rose.” He lifts her up by the arm. “Let’s go outside for a minute.”

She tensely rises from her seat but points at Ryke. “I’m glad you’re here for Lo, but I swear, if you hurt my sister—”

“Rose.” Connor ushers her from the booth.

Ryke says, “I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone.”

Connor gives him a look. “Just stop talking.”

Rose starts rambling, and Connor finds the right reply each time, keeping her sane as they take a breather. At least she found a date to the Charity Gala this year who isn’t gay.

We slide in on the right side while Connor, Rose, and Ryke fill the left. My sister looks like a million dollars in her high-waisted skirt and cream chiffon blouse, a diamond necklace shaped like a water droplet tight on her collar.

“Is that new?” I ask.

She touches the jewel, her cheeks reddening as much as mine would. I can’t help but smile.

“I bought it for her,” Connor exclaims, his arm draped on the top of the booth behind her.

I squint. “Why?”

“No reason,” Connor says. “I saw it and I thought she’d like it.”

Rose tries really hard not to smile, but she can’t quite hide it.

He rubs my tears with his thumb. “I love you, but I want to love you enough that I never choose alcohol over you. Not even for a moment. I want to be someone you deserve. Who helps you rather than enables you, and I can’t begin to do that until I get help for myself.”

He laughs sadly and it cracks and dies short. He wipes his mouth and lets out a breath. “Ask me.”

“What?”

His eyes flicker up to me and they turn into cold steel. “Ask me why I drink.”

A lump lodges in my throat. We don’t talk about our addictions. Not outright. We bury them with booze and sex and on the occasion where we feel lost we return to the nostalgia of comic books.

Fear steals my ability to form words. I think I know the answer, but I’m so terrified of changing the structure that we have in place. My constant. My Lo. I selfishly don’t want that to end.

“Goddammit, Lily,” he says through clenched teeth. “Just fucking ask me!”

“Why?” The word knifes me.

A tear escapes and he says, “Because I can. Because when I was eleven-years-old and tasted my first drop of whiskey, I thought it’d bring me closer to my father. Because I felt empowered.” He touches his chest. “Because I never hit anyone. I never drove. I never lost a fucking job or lost any friends that mattered. Because whenever I drank, I didn’t think I was hurting anyone but me.”

He takes a shallow breath and rubs a shaky hand through his hair. “That is, until last night. Or maybe for the past two months. Or forever. I don’t know anymore.”

“What do we say?” I breathe. “Goodbye?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “This isn’t goodbye, Lil. I’ll see you.” I don’t even know which rehab he’s going to. Ryke won’t tell me the address, but I have to trust that it’s a safe place and maybe imagine it’s not very far away.

I give him a weak smile, desperately trying not to cry. But once I see a tear slide down his cheek, it’s over for me. I sniff. “Don’t change too much,” I tell him. I fear he’ll return and won’t fit within my life anymore. He’ll grow beyond me while I stay stagnant and alone.

“Only the bad parts,” he says. He takes the first step forward. And then another. And another. Until our shoes touch, until his thumb strokes my cheek. “I’ll always be yours. No distance or time apart will change that, Lily. You need to believe that.”

I place my hands on his firm chest and skim my fingers over his arrowhead necklace.

“I never wanted to leave you here”—his chest constricts underneath my palms—“and put you in pain, Lil. You have to know that…that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” He licks his lips. “It’s harder than saying no to my father, than rejecting the trust fund, this, right here, kills me.”

“I’ll be okay,” I whisper, trying hard to believe the words.

“Will you?” he says, doubtful. “Because I see you crying and thrashing in bed. I see you screaming for someone and praying to God for the pain to end. And I’m responsible for that.”

“Stop,” I breathe, unable to look him in the eyes. “Please, don’t think that.”

He opens his mouth, and I think he’s going to let me off the hook. He’s going to tell me that I can cheat on him and get a free pass. Instead, tears flow and he says, “Wait for me.” The words come out choked and pained. “I need you to wait for me.”

Someone put him up to this. I glance over my shoulder, and Rose has her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. I look at Ryke, and his hard gaze says nothing.

This was Lo’s idea.

He knew the only way for me to truly fight is if I have something to lose.

I try to form a response, but my throat closes for words.

Lo draws me close and wraps his arms around my shoulders. “I love you.” He kisses me on the forehead and detaches from me, leaving me speechless and broken on the curb. He nods to Rose. “Take care of her.”

Rose says, “Take care of yourself.”

He nods again, and I wait for him to glance back at me.

He doesn’t.

“Lo,” I call.

He has a hand on the car doorframe. And he hesitates before looking my way.

I open my mouth, wanting to express all of my feelings at once. I love you. I’ll wait for you! You’re my best friend and my soul mate and my lover. I’m so proud of you. Please…come back to me.

His lips upturn in a hopeful smile. “I know.”

And with this, he slides into the car and shuts the door. The Infinity pulls onto the street.

And down out of sight.

Connor pushes open the glass doors with his shoulder, his hands preoccupied with texting. I bolt for him, and when he looks up, his face darkens.

“How is she?” I ask, glancing past him for a peek.

He steps in front of me, blocking me from any visual or entrance. “Not happy,” he says, his voice tight.

“Where’s Ryke?” Lo wonders with a frown.

“He left. He was sick.”

“I think it was something we ate,” I say.

Connor’s eyebrows furrow in disbelief. “Was that before or after you left to screw in the car?”

I stumble back from the blow to the gut. My shoulders hit Lo’s chest and this time I let him wrap an arm around my waist.

“Hey, back off, Connor,” Lo warns.

Connor barely blinks. “I’ve been around you both long enough to know that the bathroom breaks aren’t for synchronized bladder attacks. Which is fine. Your sex life is frankly none of my business.” He glances back at the building and then looks to me. “You should go,” he suggests.

“I want to apologize first.”

“Why?” Connor’s tone stays flat and edged. I’ve insulted him or disgusted him in some way. The one person I thought was unable to be repulsed by me.

“She needs to know I’m sorry.”

“She’s happy,” Connor tells me. “She sold her line to Macy’s and has an offer from H&M. Don’t ruin that by trying to make yourself feel better. Just leave, Lily.”

I don’t know what else to do. So I take the advice and disappear.

I’d like Rose to give Connor a chance. If anyone can verbally keep up with her, he can. But she pushes men away as much as I used to lead them in.

Her body language stays closed off—her face as icy as before. “That’s really funny. Nice joke.” Oh no, Rose, he’s not joking. I want to tell her that this isn’t some cruel trick to make fun of her. She has guards up so she won’t get hurt. It’s easier to be cold than to feel the sting of disappointment.

“It isn’t one,” he tells her, taking another step. Her feet stay cemented to the floor, a good sign. “I have tickets to The Tempest.”

I chime in, “Rose, you love Shakespeare.”

She shoots me a look to stay out of it. I press my lips together, but I see her mind reeling at his proposition. Rose scrutinizes Connor. “So you have two tickets for tonight? This is obviously a pity invite.”

“How could you think that?” he rebuts. “I don’t pity you in the least. I’m inviting you because I happen to have two tickets that will go unused if you don’t accompany me. I bought them for my mother, but work came up, and she can’t go.”

“Why take me?” she asks. “You know everyone. I’m sure you can manage to find some rich man to schmooze.”

“True, but that’s not the company I feel like sharing tonight. I’d rather take you, a beautiful, intelligent girl from Princeton.”

Rose peruses Connor with beady eyes. “And this isn’t a pity invite?”

“I already said it wasn’t. Maybe you should get your hearing looked at. I wouldn’t want to beat you unfairly in the next Bowl tournament.”

She rolls her eyes. “Please, you wouldn’t be able to beat Princeton even with a cheat sheet.”

“Says the girl who got distracted by someone’s nasal sensitivities.”

“You’re so weird,” she says. Her arm drops off her hip and her stance finally loosens. Yes! He takes one more step, officially inches from her, the closest I’ve seen her to a man—or child—in a long, long time.

Lo whispers to me, “Are we in an alternate universe?”

I nod. “Yep, we’ve definitely left Earth 616.” And I love it.

“So here I am,” Connor continues, “about to waste front row seats—”

“Wait, you can’t see anything in the first row. The stage blocks your view. Everyone knows that.”

“Did I say first row? I don’t think I did.” He tilts his head. “You really need to get those ears checked, Miss Calloway.” Oh, that was sexy. I will be the first to admit that. He takes out his wallet and hands her the tickets, which I presume are labeled for the third or fourth row, not the first.

Rose barely glances at them since Connor has infiltrated her safe space. She breathes all heavily and her cheeks start to flush. Aw, my sister is actually affected by the guy. It’s like two asexual people bonding together—a once in a lifetime happening.

She hands one ticket back to him.

“Wait, Charlie who?” Connor asks.

“You wouldn’t know them,” I say.

He looks offended. For real? “I know everyone.”

I open my mouth, at a loss of how to reply to that.

Rose snorts. “You’re always the same, Connor, raising yourself on some prodigious level. I bet your biggest dream is to kiss the ass of Bill Gates.”

Just when I think Rose’s comment has penetrated Connor’s cool, calm, know-it-all exterior, his thousand-dollar smile widens. He takes a step forward, threatening to breach Rose’s safe space.

Lo whispers under his breath, “Protect your balls, Connor.”

I’d agree, but Connor has proven to hold his own so far. He cocks his head at her. “Says the girl who’s clothing line just got dropped by Sax.” He inspects her tailored dress. “Is that piece extinct yet? Or can your two customers go buy it at Plato’s Closet?”

Lo bursts into laughter, and I sink deeper into his arms. This is not good. At all. Rose has longer and sharper claws than me, able to defend herself quite effortlessly.

“Shut up, Loren,” she says first. Then she places a hand on her hip. “So you read the newspaper, Connor. Congratulations, a well-informed citizen of Pennsylvania. Let’s throw confetti and have a parade.”

“Or you could go out with me tonight.”

What?! Lo chokes on his alcohol. I gape, my jaw permanently unhinged. Rose. He just asked out Rose, my sister. I saw this coming, did I not? “Ha!” I say to Lo, poking him in the arm.

He bites my shoulder and murmurs, “She hasn’t said yes yet.”

“Is this still about last year?” Connor asks with a growing smile. “Just because you didn’t know Williams wrote Ethics and the Limits of Philosophy and Problems of the Self doesn’t make you a stupid person. Lots of people don’t know him.”

Her chest puffs out, looking more ruffled than when Lo pushes her buttons. “I know Freud, Connor. I knew Williams influenced him. Had someone on my team not sneezed, I wouldn’t have been so distracted.”

“A sneeze? You’re going to blame your loss on an allergy problem?”

Rose holds up a hand to his face, as if pausing the argument, and sets her icy gaze on us. “You both really can’t be friends with this asshole. Actually”—she points at Lo—“I believe you can, but you, Lily, really?”

Lo smirks. “Keep it coming, Rose. You’re just making me love the guy more.” Oh jeez. And to make matters more complicated, Connor looks amused by the continuation of this madness. He sticks his hands in his pockets, at ease.

She runs her fingers through her hair. “Do you have coffee?”

“Yeah, I’ll get you a cup.” I lead her towards the kitchen, but she detaches halfway there, her head whipping over to the adjacent living room.

“What?!” she shrieks. “Lily Calloway, you did not invite him over here without telling me first.”

Lo interjects, “Last time I checked, Rose, your name wasn’t on the lease agreement. You don’t have a say in who comes over to our apartment.”

Rose turns her back on the guys. “What is Richard doing here?” she hisses.

“He just showed up.” I hand her a steaming mug and put a hand on her back, guiding her to the living room.

Lo flashes her a dry smile. “Does that remind you of someone?”

“Shut up,” Rose snaps. “Do not compare me to him.”

Connor rises like a good prep school boy, and Rose stands her ground while I grab my magazine and scoot in beside Lo.