Lindsay C. Gibson

Role reversal is a hallmark of emotionally immature parenting. In this case, the parent relates to the child as if the child were the parent, expecting attentiveness and comfort from the child. These parents may reverse roles and expect their child to be their confidant, even for adult matters. Parents who discuss their marriage problems with their children are an example of this kind of reversal. Other times parents might expect their children to praise them and be happy for them, just as a child might expect from a parent.

People who show anger by withdrawing love are particularly pernicious. The outcome of such behavior is that nothing gets solved and the other person just feels punished. In contrast, emotionally mature people will usually tell you what’s wrong and ask you to do things differently. They don’t sulk or pout for long periods of time or make you walk on eggshells. Ultimately, they’re willing to take the initiative to bring conflict to a close, rather than giving you the silent treatment.

If you’re interested in exploring whether you may have experienced emotional deprivation in childhood, the 1993 book Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko,

If you’re interested in exploring whether you may have experienced emotional deprivation in childhood, the 1993 book Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko,

Lacking adequate parental support or connection, many emotionally deprived children are eager to leave childhood behind. They perceive that the best solution is to grow up quickly and become self-sufficient. These children become competent beyond their years but lonely at their core. They often jump into adulthood prematurely, getting jobs as soon as they can, becoming sexually active, marrying early, or joining the service. It’s as though they’re saying, Since I’m already taking care of myself, I might as well go ahead and get the benefits of growing up fast. They look forward to adulthood, believing it offers freedom and a chance to belong. Sadly, in their rush to leave home they may end up marrying the wrong person, tolerating exploitation, or staying with a job that takes more than it gives. They often settle for emotional loneliness in their relationships because it feels normal to them, like their early home life.

The most primitive parts of our brain tell us that safety lies in familiarity (Bowlby 1979).

“I have it all,” they’re likely to say. “I should be happy. Why do I feel so miserable?” This is the classic confusion of a person whose physical needs were met in childhood while emotional needs remained unfulfilled.

Good relationships do take some effort and forbearance. But it shouldn’t take work just to be noticed. Making an emotional connection ought to be the easy part.

Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent.

The most primitive parts of our brain tell us that safety lies in familiarity (Bowlby 1979).