William Goldman

“I think we can slow down a bit now,” he told her, slowing down a bit. “They’re still well behind.”

Buttercup took a deep breath of relief.

Westley made a show of checking their surroundings. Then he gave her his best smile. “With any luck at all,” he said, “we should soon be safely in the Fire Swamp.”

Buttercup heard his speech, of course. But she did not, she did not, take it well…

Prince Humperdinck just stared. He sat astride a white, studying the footsteps down on the floor of the ravine. There was simply no other conclusion: the kidnapper had dragged his Princess into it.

Count Rugen sat alongside. “Did they actually go in?”

The Prince nodded.

Praying the answer would be “no,” the Count asked, “Do you think we should follow them?”

The Prince shook his head. “They’ll either live or die in there. If they die, I have no wish to join them. If they live, I’ll greet them on the other side.”

“It’s too far around,” the Count said.

“Not for my whites.”

“We’ll follow as best we can,” the Count said. He stared again at the Fire Swamp. “He must be very desperate, or very frightened, or very stupid, or very brave.”

“Very all four I should think,” the Prince replied…

She remained unconscious for a very long time. Westley busied himself as best he could, cleansing the Snow Sand from ears and nose and mouth and, most delicate of all, from beneath the lids of her eyes. The length of her quietness disturbed him vaguely; it was almost as if she knew she had died and was afraid to find out for a fact that it was true. He held her in his arms, rocked her slowly. Eventually she was blinking.

For a time she looked around and around. “We lived, then?” she managed finally.

“We’re a hardy breed.”

“What a wonderful surprise.”

“No need—” He was going to say “No need for worry,” but her panic struck too quickly. It was a normal enough reaction, and he did not try to block it but, rather, held her firmly and let the hysteria run its course. She shuddered for a time as if she fully intended to fly apart. But that was the worst. From there, it was but a few minutes to quiet sobbing. Then she was Buttercup again

“You know the Dread Pirate Roberts? You are friendly with such a man?”

“It’s a little more than that,” Westley said. “I don’t expect you to quite grasp this all at once; just believe it’s true. You see, I am the Dread Pirate Roberts.”

“I fail to see how that is possible, since he has been marauding for twenty years and you only left me three years ago.”

“I myself am often surprised at life’s little quirks,” Westley admitted.

“Did he, in fact, capture you when you were sailing for the Carolinas?”

“He did. His ship Revenge captured the ship I was on, The Queen’s Pride, and we were all to be put to death.”

“But Roberts did not kill you.”

“Clearly.”

“Why?”

“I cannot say for sure, but I think it is because I asked him please not to. The ‘please,’ I suspect, aroused his interest. I didn’t beg or offer bribery, as the others were doing. At any rate, he held off with his sword long enough to ask, ‘Why should I make an exception of you?’ and I explained my mission, how I had to get to America to get money to reunite me with the most beautiful woman ever reared by man, namely you. ‘I doubt that she is as beautiful as you imagine,’ he said, and he raised his sword again. ‘Hair the color of autumn,’ I said, ‘and skin like wintry cream.’ ‘Wintry cream, eh?’ he said. He was interested now, at least a bit, so I went on describing the rest of you, and at the end, I knew I had him convinced of the truth of my affection for you. I’ll tell you. Westley,’ he said then, ‘I feel genuinely sorry about this, but if I make an exception in your case, news will get out that the Dread Pirate Roberts has gone soft and that will mark the beginning of my downfall, for once they stop fearing you, piracy becomes nothing but work, work, work all the time, and I am far too old for such a life.’

“It will all be happy at the end. Consider: a little over three years ago, you were a milkmaid and I was a farm boy. Now you are almost a queen and I rule uncontested on the water. Surely, such individuals were never intended to die in a Fire Swamp.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Well, because we’re together, hand in hand, in love.”

“Oh yes,” Buttercup said. “I keep forgetting that.”

“Come, sir.” Count Rugen approached. “We must get you safely to your ship.”

“We are both men of action,” Westley replied. “Lies do not become us.”

“Well spoken,” said the Count, and with one sudden swing, he clubbed Westley into insensitivity.

Westley fell like a beaten stone, his last conscious thought being of the Count’s right hand; it was six-fingered, and Westley could never quite remember having encountered that deformity before…

So the Thieves Quarter was clearly the place to go.

Only, Inigo hated it there. Everybody was so dangerous, big, mean and muscular, and so what if he was the greatest fencer in the world, who’d know it to look at him? He looked like a skinny Spanish guy it might be fun to rob. You couldn’t walk around with a sign saying, “Be careful, this is the greatest fencer since the death of the Wizard of Corsica. Do not burgle.”

The next night, when my father went back to reading and the marriage turned out to have been Buttercup’s dream, I screamed I knew it, all along I knew it,’ and my father said, ‘So you’re happy now, it’s all right now, we can please continue?’ and I said ‘Go’ and he did.

But I wasn’t happy. Oh my ears were happy, I guess, my story sense was happy, my heart too, but in my, I suppose you have to call it ‘soul,’ there was that damn discontent, shaking its dark head.

‘I swear I will never tell, not even my beloved,’ I said; ‘and if you will let me live, I will be your personal valet and slave for five full years, and if I ever once complain or cause you anger, you may chop my head off then and there and I will die with praise for your fairness on my lips.’ I knew I had him thinking. ‘Go below,’ he said. I’ll most likely kill you tomorrow.’” Westley stopped talking for a moment, and pretended to clear his throat, because he had spotted the first R.O.U.S. following behind them. There seemed no need yet to alert her, so he just continued to clear his throat and hurry along between the flame bursts. “What happened tomorrow?” Buttercup urged. “Go on.” “Well, you know what an industrious fellow I am; you remember how I liked to learn and how I’d already trained myself to work twenty hours a day. I decided to learn what I could about piracy in the time left allotted me, since it would at least keep my mind off my coming slaughter. So I helped the cook and I cleaned the hold and, in general, did whatever was asked of me, hoping that my energies might be favorably noted by the Dread Pirate Roberts himself. ‘Well, I’ve come to kill you,’ he said the next morning, and I said, Thank you for the extra time; it’s been most fascinating; I’ve learned such a great deal,’ and he said ‘Overnight? What could you learn in that time?’ and I said, That no one had ever explained to your cook the difference between table salt and cayenne pepper.’ ‘Things have been a bit fiery this trip,’ he admitted. ‘Go on, what else?’ and I explained that there would have been more room in the hold if boxes had been stacked differently, and then he noticed that I had completely reorganized things down there and, fortunately for me, there was more room, and finally he said, ‘Very well, you can be my valet for a day. I’ve never had a valet before; probably I won’t like it, so I’ll kill you in the morning.’ Every night for the next year he always said something like that to me: Thank you for everything, Westley, good night now, I’ll probably kill you in the morning.’