Podcast: Dear Sugars

This episode was originally published on July 28th, 2018.

Special guests Mitchell S. Jackson and Rebecca Skloot share the stage with the Sugars to tell stories of personal reckoning and answer letters from the audience. To some extent, every letter the Sugars receive is a kind of reckoning, as it’s often the letter writer’s first attempt at taking account of their mistakes and delusions. In this episode, the Sugars take a long hard look at transgressions of love, friendship, the self and so much more.

Mitchell S. Jackson is the author of “The Residue Years,” which won the Ernest J. Gaines Prize for Literary Excellence. He is the winner of a Whiting Award, and his honors include fellowships from Ted, the Lannan Foundation and The Rockefeller Foundation. His book, "Survival Math," was released in 2019.

Rebecca Skloot is the author of “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks,” which was made into an Emmy-nominated HBO film starring Oprah Winfrey and Rose Byrne. Her award-winning science writing has appeared in The New York Times Magazine; O, The Oprah Magazine; and many other publications.

This episode was originally released on January 20, 2018.

“I’m a 24-year-old woman who is completely and embarrassingly aroused by people who are confined to wheelchairs,” writes a woman who calls herself “Wishing to be Seen.” In her pained letter, she explains the possible origins of her isolating fetish and asks the Sugars for a way out: “I just want to have an orgasm with a real human rather than with my sad self, in my sad bed, sadly watching YouTube videos of women I feel I am objectifying and using.”

“Wishing to Be Seen” is plagued by a single, shame-inducing fantasy, which Dr. Ian Kerner terms her “core erotic theme.” Where do our core erotic themes come from? And is it possible to escape their grip? In part two of our Dark Fantasies series, Dr. Kerner returns to help the Sugars answer these questions and delve deeper into the world of sexual fantasy.

Dr. Kerner specializes in sex therapy and couples therapy. He’s also the New York Times best-selling author of “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.”
The Sugars Recommend
“The Metal Bowl,” by Miranda July
“The Erotic Mind,” by Jack Morin

This episode was originally released on January 13, 2018.

Orgies. Sex in public. Incest. These are the things that some of us think about in the dark. Taboo fantasies can be exciting, but they can also be the source of our deepest shame. In this two-part series on sexual fantasies, the Sugars read letters from people who want to turn off the thoughts that turn them on.

Dr. Ian Kerner, a psychotherapist and sexuality counselor, helps the Sugars answer a letter from a woman who calls herself “Fed Up With Fantasy.” She writes, “Ever since I started being a sexual being I’ve had terrible fantasies. Incest of every kind. Teachers having sex with their underage students. Gangbangs in public bathrooms. I cannot get turned on without thinking of these story lines. Did something bad happen to me that I have repressed so much I don’t even have a hint of it?” she asks. “And how do I make it stop?”

Dr. Kerner and the Sugars explore where dark fantasies come from and offer “Fed Up With Fantasy” ways she can share them with her boyfriend. Dr. Kerner specializes in sex therapy and couples therapy. He’s also The New York Times best-selling author of “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.”

This episode was originally published on August 12th, 2017.

When we decide to meddle, it can often backfire. The Sugars, along with the writer Meghan Daum, answer letters from people who see loved ones heading down the wrong path, but worry intervention might be the wrong move.

his episode was originally released on August 25th, 2018.

“Dear Sugars, I’m a serial codependent. I’ve married and had children with two addicts,” begins a letter signed by “Mommy Messed Up.” Over the years, her second husband began to withdraw and stash money inside of old bottles. Now Mommy Messed Up is ready to end their toxic relationship. The only problem is she’ll have to disrupt her children’s lives for a second time. “I’m fine with breaking my own heart,” she writes. “But how do I break my boys’ hearts?”

In this second part of our series on moving on, the Sugars discuss how we can release ourselves from our past mistakes. Dr. Harriet Lerner drops in to answer a second letter from a woman who is haunted by her abortion, a decision she laments now that she’s experiencing early menopause. Like Mommy Messed Up, she is ruled by her regret.

“We have to beware of the stories that we tell about ourselves because we become them,” Dr. Lerner advises. “And a story like the one she’s constructed is so narrow and fixed that it’s going to edge out all other stories about her past and her present and her future possibilities.”

Dr. Lerner is a leading voice on the psychology of women and family relationships. She’s the author of 12 books including The New York Times best seller “The Dance of Anger” and most recently, “Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.”https://www.harrietlerner.com/interviews-articles

This episode was originally released on August 18th, 2018.

The Sugars have been thinking about what it means to say goodbye and let go. In this first episode of our two-part series on moving on, the Sugars and Claire Bidwell Smith answer two letters from people struggling to move past their grief after the death of their loved ones.

The first letter comes from a woman who recently discovered that her best childhood friend died by suicide. In the wake of the news, she spent hours pouring over letters from her friend, and realized that there were signs of trouble early in life. Now she’s haunted by the fact that she failed to intervene years ago. “I keep ruminating on how Alejandra might have killed herself and where she was when she did it,” she writes. “I feel so much guilt from my complacency.”

A second letter writer, who calls herself “Wracked by Guilt,” feels similarly about the death of her mother. “How do I get over the sickening feeling that I played a role in my mom’s death?” she asks. “How is it possible for me to stop trying to place blame and simply accept the situation?”

Claire Bidwell Smith is a licensed therapist specializing in grief, and the author of several books, including “The Rules of Inheritance.” She writes and speaks about grief regularly, and offers online grief support in addition to her private practice. Her new book, “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief,” will be released on Sept. 25th.

This episode was originally published on August 26th, 2017.

In this episode, adventures in animal ownership! The Sugars, along with Julie Barton — author of the memoir Dog Medicine: How My Dog Saved Me From Myself — answer letters about pet dilemmas and the ways these creatures affect human relationships.

This episode was originally published on July 28th, 2018.

This was a live show recorded in Portland, Oregon. Special guests Mitchell S. Jackson and Rebecca Skloot share the stage with the Sugars to tell stories of personal reckoning and answer letters from the audience.

This episode was originally released on May 26, 2018.

In this "rapid fire" episode, the Sugars read letters from four women who each have one not-so-tiny reservation about the men they’re dating. A Black woman is dating a white man who is unwilling to talk about race issues, claiming that she’s “too sensitive.” Another woman’s boyfriend, a Christian, is having second thoughts about dating her because she’s an atheist. The Sugars tackle these issues and more, and weigh in on which can be ironed out and which should be deal breakers.

This episode was originally published on August 12th, 2016.

The Sugars hear the latest from "Head or the Heart" -- a woman who'd fallen head over heels for a man with a troubled childhood. Everything seemed perfect, and yet, she couldn't help but wonder if the traumas of her love's past would surface at some point in their relationship.

"Head or the Heart" became the first letter-writer ever to join the Sugars on the show. The Sugars asked her to write to them in six months to let them know how -- and if -- things were going with her boyfriend. Nine months letter, she sent an update.

So, are they still together? Have any of his past traumas manifested in their relationship? The Sugars find out.

This episode was originally released on August 19, 2017.

It’s never easy to talk to our romantic partners about their bodies, especially when it’s about weight. The Sugars, along with writer Ashley C. Ford, answer letters from people questioning their relationships because of major changes in their partners’ bodies.

Introducing Beyond All Repair, a new WBUR podcast from producer emeritus of Dear Sugars, Amory Sivertson. This series tells the story of a murder, but also the woman who was accused of that murder, Sophia.

Sophia was newly married and 6 months pregnant when she was charged with murdering her mother-in-law in 2002. She gave birth to a son in jail that she hasn’t seen since, and for the last three years, she’s been telling me her story in hopes of getting justice for her mother-in-law, of having a chance of meeting her son, and of finally being believed.

This is the first chapter of Beyond All Repair. Episode 2 is already waiting for you. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.

Our loved ones are the people who are supposed to understand us. But what if they just...can't? Where do we turn then, and how do we fight the feelings of resentment that this lack of understanding can stir up? This episode was originally released November 11th, 2016.

The Sugars' conversation on friendship continues with a handful of letters concerning male-female friendships. Is there such a thing as a platonic relationship between a heterosexual man and woman? Can male-female friendships be as emotionally satisfying as same-gender relationships? What do you do when a friend crosses a romantic line? The Sugars discuss it all in rapid-fire fashion.

Everyone has had a friendship quandary of some sort in the past, right? This week, the Sugars take on frequently asked questions in "rapid fire" fashion – from hating your best friend's significant other, to hating her politics.

Whether you’re 5, 15, or 50 years old, it can be difficult to usher a stepparent in and out of the family unit. In today’s episode, the Sugars answer letters from stepchildren who have fraught relationships with their stepparents. What is a stepparent’s responsibility to a stepchild after divorce? And what can be done if you don’t like the person your parent chooses to marry? This episode was originally released on April 28th, 2018.

Buzz Bissinger owns more than 100 pairs of leather pants and over 200 pairs of leather gloves, having spent more than $600,000 on leather goods in the span of three years. Mr. Bissinger has a spending addiction, and he joins the Sugars to offer guidance to a letter-writer whose therapist and family don’t take her spending seriously. This episode was originally published on April 14th, 2018.

How many times have you heard this: "I love him, we're great together, but..."? There's always room for doubt, even in the happiest of relationships. So this week, the Sugars take on some of those doubts in rapid-fire fashion.

This episode was originally published on January 5th, 2017.

Most of us have days when we don’t feel attractive. But in this episode, the Sugars read letters from people whose faces are at odds with conventional ideas of beauty. Writer Ariel Henley joins to talk about her own facial differences. Henley was born with Crouzon Syndrome, and underwent dozens of surgeries that changed the shape of her face.

Privilege comes in many forms: socio-economic privilege, gender privilege, heterosexual privilege, to name a few. In this episode, the Sugars reply to two letter writers who are facing different forms of privilege. They discuss with Catrice M. Jackson, a leading voice for racial justice.

This episode was originally published on August 11th, 2018.