Toxic In-Laws

You pay too great a price in mental and emotional health if you don’t set appropriate limits on hurtful behavior. I don’t advocate that you go to the mat every time a piece of advice is offered. But there’s a big difference between unsolicited advice and demeaning criticism that is a direct attack on you, and it’s important to step back and determine just what’s coming at you. You have the right to actively deal with criticism that hurts or denigrates you, even if your partner continues to rationalize and excuse everything by insisting,

Altruistic critics will tell you that they have nothing but your best interests at heart. If they challenge your decisions, try to change your way of doing things, or impose their preferences and routines on you, they’ll justify their actions with words like:
Can’t you see I’m only trying to help?
Can’t you see how much I love you?
Can’t you see that I want to make things easier for you?
Can’t you see that it’s for your own good?
It’s difficult to “see” any of those things, of course, because in truth, “loving” advice you didn’t ask for and “caring” interference in your affairs inevitably feel like what they are: criticism.

Here, your in-laws will say things like: “How can you do this to me/us? Why are you trying to hurt me/us like this? Why are you trying to break up this family? How can you say such things after all we’ve done for you?” Or they might not say much and just sigh deeply as the tears stream down their faces. Either way, you must fight being cast as the villain and giving in to your guilt.
Your Response: I’m sorry this is so upsetting to you, but I’ve been pretty upset for a long time, too. I have no desire to hurt you, but I need to do this for my own well-being. I appreciate the things you’ve done for us, but let’s see if we can get past feeling sorry for ourselves to work out a better relationship.

2. The Victim/Martyr Defense.
Here, your in-laws will say things like: “How can you do this to me/us? Why are you trying to hurt me/us like this? Why are you trying to break up this family? How can you say such things after all we’ve done for you?” Or they might not say much and just sigh deeply as the tears stream down their faces. Either way, you must fight being cast as the villain and giving in to your guilt.
Your Response: I’m sorry this is so upsetting to you, but I’ve been pretty upset for a long time, too. I have no desire to hurt you, but I need to do this for my own well-being. I appreciate the things you’ve done for us, but let’s see if we can get past feeling sorry for ourselves to work out a better relationship.

Not upsetting his parents had been, and continued to be, his first priority, and no marriage can survive that kind of destructive scenario.

Things between Hank and his parents might get better—or they might get worse. There’s no way of predicting. But Nancy’s in-laws no longer hold all the power. Hank decided what his priorities were and continues to set very specific boundaries with his parents. Hank and Nancy’s marriage is much more solid now, and they both have new skills to guide them if it gets off track again.

. He decided on his own that if they continued their rejection of Nancy, his loyalty must lie with her. As a result, he let his folks know that including Nancy was a requirement for any future relationship he would have with them—a requirement that they reluctantly agreed to.
Nancy:
“My husband’s grown up a lot in the last few months. He was put into a terrible position. I was, too. But I don’t blame him anymore. He’s young and sweet and didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. His attitude toward his parents is very different now because of how they’ve hurt me.

On the other hand, don’t use every excuse you can find to put off this very important step. It’s very human to procrastinate about doing something that makes you feel nervous. You may find yourself rationalizing your delays by thinking things like “I don’t feel ready,” or “We both have too much to do,” or “He/she already knows how upset I am. Why do I have to go through it again?,

But, as you’ve seen, it is one of the great paradoxes of parent-child relationships that most people will defend their parents when those parents are being attacked by someone else. That holds true even if that someone else is you, even if those parents were as toxic as parents as they are as in-laws, and even if those attacks are absolutely justified. If you go on the attack, something very primal gets activated inside your partner and your complaints may sound like a battle cry.

baby’s safety more of a priority than how upset your father may get once you let him know that there are consequences for his behavior? And I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think you should be the one, because it is so hard for you to tell him what the boundaries are with Michael. If you’re willing to do that, you’ll grow ten feet in self-respect.”