where are you, and even more beloved cause of my misery, come back, rough seas of my youth, bring some change to this flat calm of maturity and gratitude for every tiny little ant I see before me, for every ray of sunlight, and every fucking day that dawns, send me someone I can call an asshole, take from me the knowledge that no-one is to blame for the way they are, take these doldrums from my spirit, take the compassion from my condescending little smile, take Jung and [Irvin] Yallom, take this bestseller they call balance, take this filthy film of positive energy, take the beautiful sunsets, and your organic products and stick them up your ass, please, shove them right up your ass, and give me back a reason to paint a bomb on the wall, give me cause to write FUCK YOU ALL in black marker on my desk, leave me to my narcissistic funk and not my artistic ability, o funk, where are you?