The Authorised Kate Bane

ing – I’d like you to know – to be clear that that takes an almost impossible – I mean – it feels like every single fucking cell is sweating with the effort of looking at the horizon and trying to see sun and my fists are tight and I’m trying as hard as I’ve ever fucking tried for anything to see the blue sky and the two-point-four and the happy-ever-after and I’m squeezing the will, aching to generate because I want to – because I want to believe so fucking badly – it’s really all I want – that’s the thing – it’s all I want – really – I just – I just – there’s this little Nazi inside of me that doesn’t care about anything but the wanting of that place – the wanting of that place where it’s safe and warm and there’s the sun out and the mama and the papa and the little babby and they all love each other – and that little Nazi in there – it has big dreams and the dreams make it feel nice – and it wants its world to be safe and if that means that people have to die – if it means they are cold because me and my three are warm then I don’t mind – my little Nazi doesn’t mind as long as we three are safe and warm. And so you do believe it – you believe in it for a second – you see it like you’re small and naked on a bed – you see it like you’re in it and there’s no noise – and then – and then – (Beat.) and then you’re afraid – (Beat.) you remember something else and you’re afraid because it feels like if you do believe it – then something bad is going to happen – just come up and smack you in the face for being a fucking idiot and not keeping your eyes out for the bad thing – it’ll smack you just for being stupid enough to not expect it to jump up and smack you.

nd to see some kind of happy ending – I’d like you to know – to be clear that that takes an almost impossible – I mean – it feels like every single fucking cell is sweating with the effort of looking at the horizon and trying to see sun and my fists are tight and I’m trying as hard as I’ve ever fucking tried for anything to see the blue sky and the two-point-four and the happy-ever-after and I’m squeezing the will, aching to generate because I want to – because I want to believe so fucking badly – it’s really all I want – that’s the thing – it’s all I want – really – I just – I just – there’s this little Nazi inside of me that doesn’t care about anything but the wanting of that place – the wanting of that place where it’s safe and warm and there’s the sun out and the mama and the papa and the little babby and they all love each other – and that little Nazi in there – it ha

– and that might be because I started my being alive in a house that was filled with pain or it might just be that pain and hurt and anger actually are the real thing, the proper ones – the base notes – the closest we ever really get to whatever it actually is to be alive. It’s chicken-and-egg maybe. But either way it feels like hard-wiring.

But since I met you – I’ve tried harder than I’ve ever fucking tried – to believe bunnies and happy endings to pull myself together and just get on with it – but, but you do have to believe in it, you have to have faith in a thing, Al – it’s not just strapping a pair on and putting one foot in front of the other – and I – I – I’d like to tell you – I’d like to make it clear to you that believing – for me – believing things are going to turn out okay – I mean for ever – I mean, to look at the rest of it all

KATE. I started remembering in a house where… when I feel loss and anger and hurt – it feels like the proper feeling, it feels like the base note – the only real one actually and all the others are just pretenders – and all that smiling and joy and contentment are just fucking impostors and I know that sounds ungrateful and spoilt and indulgent but those other feelings can fuck right off because it’s the pain that makes you feel most alive

KATE. / You have no idea what you’re doing to yourself – what you are setting up here – you fucking idiot. Put the fucking pen down! Why? Why did you start – why?

KATE. Fucking diaries, fucking jotting it down – fucking nine years old I started this shit – thought it was smart or poetic or something, I wish someone had come and ripped the fucking pen out my hand and said go outside and run around, you self-interested pretentious little fucking idiot. /

But all the rest of the time… I hate it. I want it to go away. I want to relax.

ATE. It’s not you – it’s not you, it’s my fucking head; and sex – you then – sex – is the one time – still – most times – I’m back on that bed, there’s silence and just – it shuts up a second – and I – when you’re around I’m on holiday, for a minute.

does this feel sparky, can I feel sparks here?’ – that’s what I fucking remember – not the feel, the touch – the – and sex – I’m seeing wallpaper, I’m thinking ceiling fans – not feeling –

KATE. I want to be back on that bed and naked because that – that memory is so different because it’s just, it’s just the heat of my skin