I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki

But the thing about urges is that they’re not always about fear. Sometimes, as I said about women earlier, an attraction or fascination towards strength can lead you to think more about women’s rights or the disenfranchised, and your impulses and desire for compensation could be directed positively. It could end up becoming a motivating force in your life.

It made me think, I already consider homosexuality, asexuality, polyamory, etc. as valid forms of love, but why was I so disrespectful of a fan’s love for their idol? Who cares if I had a crush on a celebrity, as long as I’m not going up to them in person and harming them? That’s the thought I had. But I also had these other thoughts when I liked him, heartbreaking thoughts. That I liked him so much as I watched his videos and listened to his music and bought everything associated with him, but he didn’t even know I existed, which made me feel so much pain over unrequited love. At least when you have a crush on a real person, they know about it. Or at least, they might know about it. But this love was the kind that could never come true. Which made me a bit depressed.

The last thing they had said to me was, ‘I hope you learn how to enjoy the present. It’s not that your past isn’t meaningful, and I don’t know what your partner now is like, but I get the feeling that if you put your best into the present, you’ll feel the same way I do now. I really hope you’ll be happy.’

Being helpless makes me feel like a plant that’s been ripped out at the roots. The plant looks fine, but it’s already dying, past the point of no return

It’s crucial to keep myself occupied if I want to get over something, but helplessness brings me down in that regard too

It’s the same with one’s abilities. Just like one has no motivation or doesn’t want to do anything when depressed, the condition of depression also impacts mental abilities. You have lower concentration, your memory deteriorates and you score lower on IQ exams when depressed.

If you really loved yourself, why would you feel like you want to die?

Just because it’s a good day, that doesn’t mean I feel like it’s great to be alive.

But because I am a weird person who suffers whether she is happy or unhappy, I think I can chalk it up as an improvement that lately I’ve been having flashes of gratitude even in the worst moments. I keep flitting back and forth between emptiness and gratitude. Rage and gratitude, the desire to be part of a group and to be free, I’ve got to accept it, these contradictions. I have to console myself that these contradictory impulses can coexist.

When my feelings are consumed by rage, I just want to die.