A Helping Hand: Mediation with Nonviolent Communication

ream of, it can open completely different doors.
It may be useful to remember that a conflict rarely or never occurs unless the people involved have strong interests, values or dreams.

dvising: “I think you should ...” “How come you didn’t ...?”
One-uping: “That’s nothing; just wait until you hear what happened to me.”
Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just ...”
Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”
Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time ...”
Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing ...”
Interrogating: “When did this begin?”
Explaining: “I would have called but ...”
Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

you as a mediator approach a party at a preparatory meeting with sympathy rather than with empathy, there is a risk that this will contribute to an amplified conflict. Therefore, it is important that you can distinguish between approaching someone with empathy and approaching someone with sympathy. When I listen with empathy, I try to understand how someone is experiencing things on the level of needs. I focus on being present with the person and paying attention to what he or she is feeling and needing. If I listen with sympathy, I am agreeing, pitying, or blaming someone else for the person’s feelings. I might take over the conversation and begin to talk about similar events to show that I really understand the person. Unfortunately, this seldom leads to a greater understanding in the way I want.

Mixing feelings with thoughts

There are some words that may make a conflict difficult to manage. When we mix strong emotions with thinking that someone else is the cause of them, we make it even more difficult for others to hear us. It may, for example, be words such as “manipulated”, “attacked” or “insulted”.
If I say that I feel “manipulated”, it is very easy to hear this as I am saying “you are manipulating” me. If I instead say that I feel “scared, because I have a need for trust” or “angry, because I have a need for respect”, it tends to be a bit easier to hear. Here are some more words to be careful with for everyone who is part of a mediation, and especially for you as mediator.

The price we pay for getting stuck defending one position

Sort out your listening

You can simplify your listening by thinking that you are doing a general allocation of everything someone says into two categories: “thank you” or “please help me”. We express a request for help (please help me), when our needs are not met. When our needs are met, we express joy about something we appreciate (thank you).
A simple first step for practicing our capacity to empathize is to listen for which of these two things a person is expressing. You can, for example, do this by selecting one person each day whom you listen to in this way. You can also select a specific time of day. For example, you may want to do this during lunch, and listen for “thank you” or ”please help me” in what people are saying.

“I have to go home now, because my husband is waiting for me.” Suddenly, she realized that she was about to leave in order to avoid shame. She understood as well that her husband, without having done anything, would have to “pay” if she went home only because she thought she had to. She would be annoyed because he “demanded” that she come home, even though he had not actually demanded it. Our relationships always suffer when we associate them with shame or guilt.

When people believe that they are the reason for someone else’s pain, it is easy for them to hear others’ emotional expressions as criticism and to stop listening. Therefore, one important aspect of mediation is to connect what someone feels to what they need. This makes it easier for others to hear with empathy what is said, and to take responsibility for their own feelings.

To make concrete observations of what someone says or does, and to separate this from what we think about these things, is therefore an important step in NVC and in managing conflicts

Conflicts exist on the level of strategies - not on the level of needs