The Xenophobe's Guide to the English

he attitude of the English towards other nations is not so much xenophobia (fear of foreigners) as xenopili (pity for foreigners for having the misfortune to be, well, NOT English)

Bracing, parky, muggy, breezy, crisp, chilly, fresh – conditions are always understated by at least 10 degrees.

the English do not die, they ‘pass over’, ‘pass on’, ‘pop off’, ‘kick the bucket’, ‘give up the ghost’ or ‘snuff it’. When they need to relieve themselves they ‘spend a penny’, ‘wash their hands’, ‘answer the call’, ‘make use of the facilities’ or, simply, ‘go’.

English people pride themselves on their ability to ‘muddle through’, that is, to act without too much worry about discipline or planning.

Contrary to the popular belief that supporting a monarch is a hugely expensive business, the British royal family costs each U.K. citizen the price of a KitKat each year – a bargain compared with the expense of supporting (or for that matter, impeaching) a President.

The Independent is read by the people who think they should run the country, The Guardian by the people who think they do run the country, and The Times by the people who actually run the country. The Financial Times is read by the people who own the country, The DailyTelegraph is read by people who ran the country 50 years ago and The Sun is read by people who don’t care who runs the country so long as the female on page 3 has great breasts.

While Hollywood promotes the message that everyone ought to be rich and beautiful, England has cornered the market in films which suggest that people tend to be anything but, and that life is generally a bit of a disappointment.

Queen Victoria’s dying words were: ‘I feel a little better…’

‘If Stalin had learned to play cricket, the world might now be a better place’ claimed an English bishop in 1948.

Two in five marriages in England end in divorce. Two-thirds of divorced people remarry, and two-thirds of people who divorce a second time go on to marry again. Most then settle down, possibly through sheer exhaustion.