The Devil's Dictionary (or The Cynic's Wordbook: Unabridged with all the Definitions)

BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden

YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age

YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor

QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.

MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarrie

MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.