Mothers Who Can't Love

If you had an enmeshing mother, you may carry with you a great fear of abandonment or separation. You may be overly clingy with partners or your own children. You may hold yourself back because you lack confidence in your own abilities and resilience. And you may know precisely how to make your mother happy but struggle to satisfy your own soul.

To an engulfing mother, love means:

• You are my everything, and that makes you responsible for my happiness.

• You can’t live without me, and I can’t live without you.

• You are not allowed to have a life that doesn’t involve me.

• You are not allowed to keep any secrets from me.

• You must never love anyone more than you love me.

• If you don’t want what I want, it means you don’t love me.

• “No” means you don’t love me.

She holds out promise and praise that disappear when you prove to have a mind of your own. And she tries to mold you by making you feel guilty if you don’t go along with her wishes and needs.

harmful behaviors you’ve learned from her and the pain you’ve carried with you for so long are not a permanent legacy. As I will remind you throughout this book, despite what she’s told you, you are the healthy one. You can change.

If you were that little girl, the daughter of a mother who couldn’t give you the love you needed so much, it’s likely that much like Heather, you now go through your days with a cavernous gap in your confidence, a sense of emptiness and sadness. You’re never truly comfortable in your own skin. You may not trust your ability to love. And you can’t step fully into your life until you heal that gaping mother wound.

Most societies glorify mothers, as if the mere act of giving birth makes them inherently capable of nurturing

You’re never truly comfortable in your own skin. You may not trust your ability to love. And you can’t step fully into your life until you heal that gaping mother wound.

Why I’m Writing This Book Now

For the control freak mother, keeping you locked in that power imbalance is key to her happiness and fulfillment

If I pull away from my mother, she’ll stop loving me and I can’t survive if that happens

When you believe that love means making the other person happy at all costs, then to love means giving up the right to your own desires. And