Dougie Brimson

Billy's Log

For Billy Ellis, life is one series of disasters after another. His haemorrhoids have just cost him promotion, his new boss is threatening to move in next door, and on the very occasions he need a condom, he can't even buy a packet without almost getting arrested. As if that wasn't bad enough, he's suddenly woken up to the fact that he's almost thirty, still single and has the looks that give a new meaning to the word 'average'.But at the end of last year, as always, Billy read his 'Log of Life' and vowed to make things better.And this year, he succeeded. Eventually.Billy's Log reveals the frustrations of life for a single male and the never-ending battle to understand the workings of the female mind.
330 printed pages
Original publication
Publication year
Have you already read it? How did you like it?


  • Ринат Карлинhas quoted4 years ago
    Not for much longer anyway. For a start, there were far too many references to hangovers,
  • allazhelyabinahas quoted7 years ago
    It’s bad enough that he’s able to attract women younger than me into his sordid world, but ever since he left Mum, he treats me as if I’m his best mate. He just doesn’t understand that I don’t want him as a mate, I need him as a dad. Primarily because I’d like him to teach me how the bloody hell he can attract all these women. After all, isn’t that’s what dads are supposed to do?
    I’ve actually had nightmares in the past where he turns up at work and begins chatting up the younger birds at work and one of them ends up as my mum.
    The tragedy is, of course, that he is simply me thirty years from now. I know that and he knows that I know that. If a consequence of him moving Telford is that I will be reminded of it less often, then I’ll pack his bags for him right now.
    22.30 p.m. - At home
    By a sheer fluke, tonight I stumbled on something which could turn out to have a major impact on my life. I read a few years ago that the late-night supermarket was one of the best places to pull and, as a result, began to haunt the local Somerfield’s every Thursday night. Unfortunately, all the single and available women in Watford seem to have been doing their shopping on Wednesday night at Sainsbury’s instead. The place was bloody heaving with them and it was all I could do to concentrate on the job in hand.
    I’ve always had an odd fixation with women in supermarkets and I’m not really sure what it’s about. It could be the unkempt, natural look and the fact that they tend to wear either loose jumpers or tight, skimpy sports gear when they go grocery shopping, which does make for some enticing sights when they bend over. I’ve seen more flashes of cleavage tonight than I have for many a moon.
    Then again, it could just be that the low temperatures in the freezer section, which thankfully is remarkably large in Sainsbury’s, do tend to have a rapid and rather startling effect on the female breast which I find oddly arousing. The only downside is that the sudden appearance of a pair of Scammel wheel nuts does reveal the amount of sag present. And not even the best looking bird can really carry off droopy tits.
    Whatever it is, I reckon Sainsbury’s will be seeing much more of me in the future. Oh yes indeed. And coming on the back of Dad’s impending departure, maybe things are looking up.

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