The Art of Self-Directed Learning

Say “I choose not to”:

mindset is a belief about your intelligence, talents, and personality

Most self-directed learners are, in my nonscientific observation, blessed with a genetic predisposition for independent thought, pattern recognition, and creative problem-solving.

To create a self-directed career, build more than a product: build a personality.

Having a personality behind my product

When I pump poop,” Jim told himself, “I want to be the best poop pumper in the world.

Avoid someone who reminds you of a courteous waiter. People who want to keep you forever comfortable, happy, and unburdened make great restaurant waiters, but terrible coaches for deliberate practice.

Seek someone who scares you a little, someone who watches you closely, prefers jumping into activities over extensive talking, and gives unnervingly honest feedback.

Seek someone who gives short, clear directions. No sermons, no lectures—just short, unmistakably clear directions that guide you to a target.

Seek someone who loves teaching fundamentals. They may spend an entire session focusing on one small detail.

Other things being equal, pick the older person. Teaching is like any other talent: It takes time to grow.

O is for open-ended questions. Reflective listening can’t take you very far in a conversation. To keep people talking (or take a conversation in a new direction), ask an open-ended question, one that has multiple possible answers. For example, some open-ended questions you might ask me would be, “What makes you want to continue working with homeschoolers?” or “Why do you love online cat videos so much?”

P is for personal statements. So far, our conversation tactics have been entirely about the other person. But injecting your own thoughts and opinions is important. Continuing our previous conversation, perhaps you would add, “I think cat videos are pretty stupid and a waste of space on the Internet.” And then I would say, “I humbly disagree,” and then go back to open-ended questions, asking you, “What kind of stupid animal videos do you prefer?”

E is for experiences: a reminder that the best conversations end with concrete experiences—i.e., doing stuff—instead of just talking. “Hey, let’s go see a movie!” or “Hey, let’s go make our own cat video!” If you like the person you’re talking to, don’t be afraid to actually go and do something with her instead of just talking forever.

P is for posture. Stand up tall, leaving your arms hanging at your sides. Breathe deeply.

A is for amplify. Have you ever noticed how far your ear is from your mouth, and then how far everyone else’s ears are from your mouth? We need to talk a little louder than we typically assume in order to be heard. Very quiet speech is a-w-k-w-a-r-d.

S is for smile. Try this: completely relax your facial muscles, then look in the mirror. Most of us see a frown, or at least something not very inviting. Our faces don’t smile naturally. When you meet someone, remember to smile with both your eyes (creating “crow’s feet”) and your teeth.

H is for hands. When people are nervous, their hands show it by fidgeting with their clothing, resting against a nearby object, or hiding in their pockets or armpits. Take your hands out and simply leave them by your sides. If you shake someone’s hand, use simple, firm pressure, avoiding both the “limp fish” and “bodybuilder” extremes.

E is for eye contact. Eye contact is important, but too much or too little is a problem. If you only hold eye contact for a fraction of a second, you seem nervous. But if you hold eye contact for too long—especially with someone you just met—you send an equally undesirable message. Give someone three to five seconds of eye contact at a time, and if you’re talking to a group, spread your gaze around evenly instead of just focusing on one person.

In the early days of Argentine tango,” she continued, “every man had to learn how to follow—to listen very carefully—before he could become a leader, before he could take that responsibility. Today, we have many bad leaders because they’ve never followed before