Fortunately, the Milk

You have your milk,” he said. “Where there is milk, there is hope

Because, according to my calculations, if the same object from two different times touches itself, one of two things will happen. Either the Universe will cease to exist. Or three remarkable dwarfs will dance through the streets with flowerpots on their heads.”

“That sounds astonishingly specific,” I said.

Why are you a pink pony with a pale blue star on the side?” I asked.

“I know,” said the pony with a sigh. “It’s what everybody’s wearing these days. Pale blue stars are so last year.”

Now, as a representative of your species, we demand that you give us ownership of the whole planet. We are going to remodel it.”

“I jolly well won’t,” I said.

They sang me a song in six-part harmony called “How Do You Feel This Morning When You Know What You Did Last Night?”

“Because, according to my calculations, if the same object from two different times touches itself, one of two things will happen. Either the Universe will cease to exist. Or three remarkable dwarfs will dance through the streets with flowerpots on their heads.”

“Then how could he just nip up a rope ladder?” “He was,” said my father, “a large stegosaurus, but very light on his feet. There are fat people who are excellent dancers.”

You have committed crimes against the inhabitants of eighteen planets, and crimes against good taste

“How does a volcano know so much about transtemporal meta-science?” asked one of the pale green aliens.

“Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think,” said Splod. “Also, I subscribe to a number of learned journals.”

“Because, according to my calculations, if the same object from two different times touches itself, one of two things will happen. Either the Universe will cease to exist. Or three remarkable dwarfs will dance through the streets with flowerpots on their heads.”