In My Dreams I Hold a Knife

keeping my gaze trained on my feet, like I was eight years old again and embarrassed to exist.

Of course. Father-daughter time, that mysterious thing.

When I was younger, I would’ve given anything to have a conversation with him, have him take interest in me. But by now, through all our ups and downs, it just felt wrong, like an imposter living inside my dad’s skin.

The words cleaved me in half. Mrs. Rush, my favorite teacher—the one I felt surely saw me, recognized I was special—couldn’t remember I existed.

Your body has a knowing. Like an antenna, attuned to tremors in the air, or a dowsing rod, tracing things so deeply buried you have no language for them yet.

You are formally invited

The moment I pulled it out, my hands began to tremble

I like your dreams better than mine.”

That was the way life worked, a lesson he’d taught me himself: Wanting is dangerous. The less you want, the safer you’ll be

The room chilled. The words were harsh, but maybe the harshest part was that they came from Caro. I remembered something I’d said to her once when I was annoyed—maybe sophomore year, maybe junior: Caro, toughen up or the world is going to chew you.
Well, she’d toughened. After we’d broken her.