Paula Marais

Shadow self

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In jail I have a lot of time to think, and I don’t always have control over where my mind wanders. A lot of the time, and despite myself, I think about Clay: how much I loved him, the mistakes I made.

So many mistakes! My daughters. My little boy, Joe.

But my thoughts aren’t always completely clear. I think through gauze, through filters. Being locked away minute after minute, second after second (for that’s how slowly time passes) has made me realise that I’ve spent my whole life in a fog. Some days it’s like parting a thick black curtain in front of me, and just when I manage to open it and see a little light, the curtain falls closed again and I’m left in the dark.

Most people want to know where this all started, and I sometimes wonder that too.

Thea Middleton is behind bars for an unthinkable crime. As she, her husband Clay and eldest daughter Sanusha try to repair their shattered lives, their individual accounts form the pieces of a tragic puzzle that will haunt them forever.
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333 printed pages
Original publication
2014

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