Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us talk to our pets. I'm in a rather stressful and sometimes exhausting profession – which leaves me up and working all manner of unusual hours and, as a result, somewhat prone to sleep deprivation and periodic bouts of insomnia. This said, it doesn't take much (with a little imagination and the benefit of a few after-hours beverages) for these little friendly “talks” I would have with our family pets to become somewhat surreal. Originally these stories were collected from various postings I had made to the newsgroup for the local rattie-community. They have been assembled here – with the intent of providing a humorous insight into life as the monkey-servant to an Alpha-rat and his entourage.