From: Venus, Goddess of Love, 120 Main, Mt. Olympus
To: Stacy Temple, lapsed temptress
Stacy, Stacy, Stacy.
You were so promising at the beginning: Sexy, smart, personable and funny. Great on dates and really great afterward-if you know what I mean. But this is a sad state of affairs; or, in your case, non-affairs! It's been nearly an entire year and you haven't had your way with even ONE eligible male. You've been working so hard concocting sexy lingerie for Thongs.com — and really, Stacy, if that little pink velvet bustier didn't put you in the mood, I don't know what to say! — that you haven't even tried to be coaxed out of your own thong.com!
Are you listening, Stacy? Seven days to find the perfect man — or else!