VAMPIRE

Walking alone at night had never been a problem for Amy as she had good night vision. Again, I have said this sort of stuff before, but as mostly stupid humans will be reading this, I try to speak slowly and explain long words. Look, the hours of darkness have a comfortable feel to them

Okay, so I am a vampire; so what? Yes, I do bite, so just shut up, human readers, and listen, or you will discover just how sharp my fangs are.

If Google maps ever decides to photograph our house from the air, someone is going to have one heck of a shock!

o tell anyone wishing to become a vampire

Well, Amy thought, perhaps I can be ahead of a fashionable new trend on having body piercing for the hands, or perhaps I could start one; someone had to invent ear piercing and nose rings. An eyebrow ring was always in style, and she could already wear lip rings from the number of times she had bitten herself! By the way, instantly healing only happens in the movies, unless you call using sticky plasters and waiting for it to itch and scab over instant healing; personally, I do not

Woooooooow, that’s better! Okay, and just where in any book did it say that vampires couldn’t be messy eaters? I did just tell you this; you are listening, aren’t you?

After cleaning the splattered blood off her face

So here I am now, an evil, blood-sucking denizen of the night having to gently pull my impaled hand off my own fangs

The need for blood was now so strong that Amy could no longer wait.

The metal tangy smell of the wet blood of the victim was causing Amy’s mouth to water in anticipation of the taste that was soon to follow. Her fangs were now at their maximum length, which is quite impressive if I do say so myself. It just was not something you can go and put on job applications (well, not if it’s the sort of job that involves smiling at people).

Vampires can ignore the problems of lack of light when we feed; yes, that is the correct term. Saying that one is “slurping blood and burping” just does not sound correct, and with me, it is sometimes all splashing and making slurping noises.