Little Weirds

I am a citizen of many dimensions, and now I slip between them easily. I never slip away from myself by simplifying myself. I can’t become smaller to fit into a crouching love in somebody else’s meager world.

I don’t do that anymore. I have calmed down. I have consolidated. I have come through the reckoning that I required.

I am tired of sinking down to a lower place to be with men. I am tired of throwing a tarp over some of my personality so that the shape of my identity suits

some gross man a little better, for whatever shitty things he needs to do in order to keep his boring identity erect and supreme. I have many grievances and no place to set them down, and I am cranky from having to shoulder this burden of reactions, like I am a fucking Ox that should carry your unsellable wares. I am tired of buying my own flowers. I am tired of having to hold my breath through Valentine’s Day the way you do when you drive past a graveyard

I want a prize for how well I can love. I want to be a prize for love.

heart is getting soft dark spots on it like a fruit that has gone bad or is soft because too many hands have squeezed it but then put it back down not because I am not ready but because they were not ready for my type of fruity flesh. I felt so ripe and sweet—what was off? The truth is, I was forcing myself into people’s mouths. I jumped out of their hands and into their mouths and I yelled EAT ME way before they even had a chance to get hungry and notice me and lift me up.

Look! Look at this woman who is both the emergency and the relief.

It is hard to even describe what it’s like to have someone use your own revelation of suffering as a way to accuse you of being cruel.

In an effort to be helpful, I had revealed the terrible secret, and I guess it made the man feel so scared and defensive that all he could do was to appropriate my whole experience as his and then accuse me of starting the problem.

the man was already so strangely angry even though I was the one falling to pieces and everything he was saying was in favor of keeping himself together and also never changing.

“No, no, the problem is not you, it’s other worse men who do crimes and things like that,” even though it was him and it is probably all of us. All.

having to choose between bad and worse