I Was Born for This

And I still hate myself.

Just FYI.

Still think I’m the worst.

But, you know.

That’s not uncommon.

‘All your love is given away. You leave nothing for yourself.’

I look at the candles and wish for what I always wish for, which is to be happy. Then I blow them out. Everyone cheers and claps.

Lister, on the other hand, is flashing his smile all over the place. He never looks miserable in photos. He’s got the opposite of a resting bitch face.

They think all of us are girls. They think all of us are straight.

I think the truth is that everyone in the entire world is confused and nobody understands much of anything at all

Fortunately for us, I’m excellent at faking being okay with things, even when inside my brain there is a tiny screaming gnome who is definitely not okay

‘Do you think it’s stupid?’ I say, my voice hoarse. ‘Do you think I’m a stupid teenage girl?’

She does. She must do.

‘No, Fereshteh,’ says Mum. ‘No. I think you are the girl with the deepest heart.’

‘All your love is given away. You leave nothing for yourself.’

It’s not a crush. Not infatuation. I mean love in the ‘I will think about you every day for my whole life’ sense. Love, like the desperate ache to hold on to something useless, even though you know that if you threw it away, nothing would change.