The service begins. All the little shepherds and angels come forward and Kaitlin scrambles from my lap to her mom’s, at one point standing straight up and shouting, “I can’t see!” just as the wise men approach.
Hayes would laugh if he were here, and then he’d remind me that we won’t have kids unless I can promise they’ll be better behaved than Kaitlin. Given that she’s now lying in the aisle and chanting “boring, boring, boring” at the top of her lungs, it feels like a reasonable demand.
Communion begins, and my mother leans over and asks me to go get the car. “It’s been snowing the whole time,” she says. “I’m worried about my leg on the way back.”
I’m not sure why she can’t ask Alex to do this, but with a sigh, I grab my coat and purse and walk outside.
I stop on the top step and take it all in—the lights in the trees, the fresh blanket of snow, the velvet sky, wishing Hayes could see it. It really is beautiful. There will be other years, I tell myself.
“You’re sure you’ll be able to give all this up?” asks a voice from the darkness.
Hayes. Standing just a few feet to my left.
I launch myself at him, my throat swelling with the urge to cry, hugging him, kissing him, inhaling him in a way he’s come to expect. “You’re here?!”
His arms band tight around me. It’s only been a week since I saw him last, but it’s a long time for us. And he knows exactly how unbearable it’s been because I’ve told him so, every single night. “Of course,” he