In Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, psychologist John Gottman describes four different approaches a parent can take in responding to a child’s feelings: emotion coaching, dismissing, disapproving, and laissez-faire. I’ll refer to the last three (less supportive) approaches together as emotion dismissing.8
Emotion coaching teaches you that
• You can recognize lower-intensity emotions so that you can manage them before they escalate.
• Negative emotions are a natural response to negative life events. Because negative life events are sometimes inevitable, so are negative emotions.
• Because negative emotions are a normal part of life, they are discussed, given names, and empathized with.
• “It’s normal that sometimes it feels hard,” “When you feel bad, we love you just as much as when you feel good,” and “You cry all you need to, honey.”
• Your sadness, anger, and fear are signs of being human.
Emotion dismissing, on the other hand, teaches you that
• You should ignore subtle or lower-intensity emotions—they’re irrelevant.
• Negative emotions are toxic, dangerous to yourself and the people around you.
• Negative feelings are a choice, something you could select in the morning like part of your outfit. Because they’re a choice, negative emotions may be punished—even if there is no overt misbehavior.
• “Get over it,” “Be grateful for all the good things,” or “C’mon, give me a smile, honey!”
• Your sadness, anger, and fear are signs of failure—either your own or your family’s.