Melody Beattie

The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack

It’s more difficult to convince codependents—those who by comparison look, but don’t feel, normal—that they have problems

Yet, by its nature, alcoholism and other compulsive disorders turn everyone affected by the illness into victims—people who need help even if they are not drinking, using other drugs, gambling, overeating, or overdoing a compulsion

and continue giving to this bottomless pit of unmet needs we called a marriage. I was sick of shouldering the burden and feeling responsible for the success or failure of the relationship. It’s his problem, I railed silently. Let him find his solution. Leave me out of this. Don’t ask another thing of me. Just make him better, and I’ll feel better.

I flashed him daggers, forced a smile, and said, “My day was okay. Thanks for asking.”

Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy
racing back and forth between the partners.
Some relationships are the slow,
dark dance of death.1

codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.

We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves

feel ashamed of who they are.
think their lives aren’t worth living.
try to help other people live their lives instead

try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination