Fred Metcalf

The US Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash, and today the people of New Orleans said: ‘They did what?’

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

I invited everyone in my neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 per cent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.

Your friend the British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office.

I’m still recovering from a shock. I was nearly drafted. It’s not that I mind fighting for my country, but they called me at a ridiculous time: in the middle of a war.

The art of politics consists in knowing precisely when it is necessary to hit an opponent slightly below the belt.

Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for thirty-five years.

Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don’t know if it would really work.
Jay Leno, late-night talk-show host, 2011

Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech.