Sue Townsend

been married once is of no consequence. I know that I am her only true love, and that she is mine. We are Arthur and Guinevere, Romeo and Juliet, Charles and Camill

ll – besides, Tufton has been embroiled in a row about his close friendship with Len Fox, the mobile-phone magnate (something about a Jiffy-bag in Marbella), decreasing his chances even further.

Nigel!’ I said. Then, ‘What are you doing driving a van? I thought you were gay.’

Nigel snapped, ‘Being gay isn’t a career, Moley, it’s a sexual orientation.’

‘But,’ I stammered, ‘I expected you to be doing something artistic.’

‘You mean like cooking?’ he asked, laughing.

‘But I thought you were a Buddhist,’ I continued, digging another conversational grave.

He sighed, then said, ‘

Such as what?’ I pressed, urgently.

‘Weird things,’ she said, as she adjusted her breasts inside her Wonderbra to show them to better advantage. ‘I have to shout, “October Revolution”, “Clause Four” and end up with “Betty Boothroyd”,’ she said.

She was obviously in complete ignorance of the history of the Labour Party. I, of course, understood the references, because I was founder and leader of a political organization called the Pink Brigade. We were a bunch of radical teenage hot-heads.

William rang me today. He wanted to know when I was coming up to see him. I said I wasn’t sure (which is true: I need to be in London for the Pie Crust negotiations). The kid droned on about somebody or something called Barney, then put the phone down abruptly before I could say a proper goodbye. I felt guilty for at least half an hour after his call.