Ellen van Gelder

Aren’t we all different? What is the being-different in autism? You will notice different things, and notice things differently. It reminds me of a joke a touring guide once told me: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you look on your left... You will see nothing on your right.’

I know that I have Asperger’s, a disorder in the autistic spectrum... No, I’m not surprised... now I finally know why I always act so ‘weird’...

When I was younger, I was spit out and excluded, but every time I tried to be part of the group again.

My preference for being around children might be explained by the fact that children are very honest. I remember a comment from a girl who told me, ‘Miss, when I look at you, you always look away’. I started to pay attention to this. I have hardly had to deal with my other nonverbal expressions. My facial expression remains neutral (with the exception of my tics), and I hardly gesture when I speak.

At one point I was ready to be admitted to the psychiatric wing of the hospital. My colleagues and I were having a final drink at the school where I worked at the time. I said, ‘Cheers, to my madness!’ Nobody laughed! How strange?! I was very surprised at their lack of response, and, in all honesty, a teensy bit disappointed.

What does ‘See you soon!’ or ‘I’ll phone you soon!’ mean? Or ‘You’ll hear from me,’ that expression doesn’t make any sense at all! It really drives me mad sometimes! But when I start asking questions, I’m the one who drives people insane

Having a clear picture clears my head a bit. It’s always busy in my head, so it’s difficult to keep things in order up there. Having predictability, clear structures, and clear chores and orders help me to retain that overview, enabling me to do what I have to do.

It’s not like a ritual, I really don’t care about those, but it works as a foundation or support. They are a type of guidelines, if you will.

I find it very difficult when things go differently than planned. It used to be much harder than it is now, though; now I take into account that someone might just cancel an appointment, or that someone might show up later, or not show up at all. Realising this makes my life a little bit easier.

There are things I want to change continuously, and things I don’t want to change at all. There are things that change without me wanting to, and realising this change takes some time

Moving house is also a good example. After my last move it took me a year to update the pictures I had of ‘home’. It took the same amount of time before really experiencing my new house as my home