Neil

Suzanne Kobasa, a professor at City University of New York, has identified what she calls “hardiness,” a constellation of three personality characteristics—commitment, control, and challenge.

The more often David told Karen how important it was for her to be on time, the more she felt like a child being pressured by an angry parent or teacher. The more critical David was, the more she felt miserable, guilty, and confused about what to do. Within six months of meeting David, Karen, who had once run her own life effectively and successfully, had become a fumbling child about everyday chores such as balancing the checkbook, remembering to fill the gas tank, and keeping track of appointments.
David unknowingly had fallen into the role of the authoritarian who echoes the “should’s” and “have to’s” of life.

They also learned to assert their individual needs while respecting the other’s values, becoming more interested in results than in blame or control.