Malinda Lo

and tearing the article out beneath the table as quietly as possible. She knew she shouldn’t, but she had needed to have the picture in a way she didn’t consciously understand.

She couldn’t put into words why she had gathered these photos together, but she could feel it in her bones: a hot and restless urge to look—and, by looking, to know.

But the hurt felt real—much more real than the entire afternoon of staying silent. So she lay on the hard wooden floor between her brothers’ beds and let that ache fill her.

She felt Kath’s hand letting go of hers again and again; her fingers sliding through hers over and over. Everything she and Kath had done could be erased so easily. It could be erased by her family pretending it had never happened. It could be erased by her parents uprooting her from her home and sending her away so that Kath would not know where she was. It could be erased because they were her parents and she was their daughter, and they loved her, and she could not disobey them even if it broke her heart.

She thought about Kath, and a hollow seemed to open up inside her. It had gravity; it pulled at her in a way that made her sway on her feet.

“Hello,” Kath said softly.
“Hello,” Lily replied. They were separated by only a few feet now, and she didn’t know how she was supposed to greet her. Shaking hands seemed ridiculous, and she couldn’t kiss her on the cheek as if they were merely friends.

“I’m serious,” Kath said. “I want to know how you are.”
Lily was so nervous all of a sudden, as if she had forgotten how to talk to Kath. They had shared a lot in letters over the past year—maybe she had shared too much—but writing something down was different from meeting face to face. And Kath had always been more reserved in her letters. Perhaps she hadn’t told Lily everything. What if she had met someone else? It had been a long time, and they didn’t live in the same city anymore. They’d never made any promises to each other. Nothing was certain about the future.

Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community

“Butches defied convention by usurping male privilege in appearance and sexuality, and with their fems, outraged society by creating a romantic and sexual unit within which women were not under male control. . . . Butch-fem roles were the key structure for organizing against heterosexual dominance.”

Last but not least, thank you to my wife, Amy Lovell, who supported me throughout the entire journey: my first reader, my cheerleader, my love.